Othewise How Life Could Have Been

Jayati wrote a mail to me as a response to my previous posting. She along with many of my close friends contnue reading my boring write ups in the blog and elsewhere. She writes, " who knows life could have been different if she would have been around?". You may or may not agree with her but I strongly agree with her. Life could have been different-with her- in both ways good and bad ways. When I look back, I realize I didnt know much of 'My Fair and Lovely Lady'. She must be cursing me over te years and will do that if she reads my blog or book sometime that I didnt understand properly and yet she gave me so much-everything that one could in that little span of time when we were together. Now, I am not worried about what she will think about me as in between both of us we have built a passage of time spreading its wing for more than fifteen years. Fifteen years is a long period of time in life to forget people for common man- not for me as you know. I have not forgotten her for a single day and you are saying fifteen years to forget!

My life could have been different if she would have been around! Let me imagine about how life could have been different. I am imagining all this being in half sleep in this hotel room in Singapore. I am going to be here for some more days, so I have enough space and time to think about her and planning to script how life coud have been different. Let me take some clue from the days when we were around. Ok, she would have been madly in love with me, I would be still struggling to disprove her mother that I am not a beggar's son and I have my own ambitions, her elder sister would have been fighting with her mother for genuinity of my relationship, the rebelling sister planning for an escape with her boy friend, the little sister doing her studies seriously and only brother appearing tests and examinations for a good job and life. Leave all of them now and let us concentrate on both of us!

Her silence to my arrogance !
Her physical pain post her surgery!
Her struggle with mother to convince her about me!
Her sister advocating in my favor !
Her father ignoring my presence!
Me gaining weight, she losing wait due to surgery!
My struggle with my loneliness and her struggle in giving a real world around me!
My dabbling with potery and her silence in those hot summer afternoons!
Both of us in house number G-128 and between us long list of confusion !
Her accusations for my inattentiveness to the color of her dress!
Her silent complains to my motivated story telling about other girls who were friendly with me!
Long hours of silence, in the lonely flat, in the hot afternoons, not talking to each other!
Loads of emptiness in between and yet being together!
Her devotion to offer anything to me for my love and care and my arrogance of defeating her intentions!
Her lies to parents about long absense when both of us were together and they were waiting in the hostel !
Those dark nights on roof top and sky full of stars!
Her intense interest to speak to me and inability in doing so!
My sadistic pleasure in ignoring the truth, yet being around,
Her tears rolling down in darkness, my pronounciation of sucecss in hurting her!
Both of us being together and miles apart in thoughts!
I was a bad man, I am a bad man and will ever remain same,

Forgive me today!