Othewise How Life Could Have Been

Jayati wrote a mail to me as a response to my previous posting. She along with many of my close friends contnue reading my boring write ups in the blog and elsewhere. She writes, " who knows life could have been different if she would have been around?". You may or may not agree with her but I strongly agree with her. Life could have been different-with her- in both ways good and bad ways. When I look back, I realize I didnt know much of 'My Fair and Lovely Lady'. She must be cursing me over te years and will do that if she reads my blog or book sometime that I didnt understand properly and yet she gave me so much-everything that one could in that little span of time when we were together. Now, I am not worried about what she will think about me as in between both of us we have built a passage of time spreading its wing for more than fifteen years. Fifteen years is a long period of time in life to forget people for common man- not for me as you know. I have not forgotten her for a single day and you are saying fifteen years to forget!

My life could have been different if she would have been around! Let me imagine about how life could have been different. I am imagining all this being in half sleep in this hotel room in Singapore. I am going to be here for some more days, so I have enough space and time to think about her and planning to script how life coud have been different. Let me take some clue from the days when we were around. Ok, she would have been madly in love with me, I would be still struggling to disprove her mother that I am not a beggar's son and I have my own ambitions, her elder sister would have been fighting with her mother for genuinity of my relationship, the rebelling sister planning for an escape with her boy friend, the little sister doing her studies seriously and only brother appearing tests and examinations for a good job and life. Leave all of them now and let us concentrate on both of us!

Her silence to my arrogance !
Her physical pain post her surgery!
Her struggle with mother to convince her about me!
Her sister advocating in my favor !
Her father ignoring my presence!
Me gaining weight, she losing wait due to surgery!
My struggle with my loneliness and her struggle in giving a real world around me!
My dabbling with potery and her silence in those hot summer afternoons!
Both of us in house number G-128 and between us long list of confusion !
Her accusations for my inattentiveness to the color of her dress!
Her silent complains to my motivated story telling about other girls who were friendly with me!
Long hours of silence, in the lonely flat, in the hot afternoons, not talking to each other!
Loads of emptiness in between and yet being together!
Her devotion to offer anything to me for my love and care and my arrogance of defeating her intentions!
Her lies to parents about long absense when both of us were together and they were waiting in the hostel !
Those dark nights on roof top and sky full of stars!
Her intense interest to speak to me and inability in doing so!
My sadistic pleasure in ignoring the truth, yet being around,
Her tears rolling down in darkness, my pronounciation of sucecss in hurting her!
Both of us being together and miles apart in thoughts!
I was a bad man, I am a bad man and will ever remain same,

Forgive me today!

The Story of the Black Bag and My Reunion with Her

I think it was my second year of graduation when I was into student politics and some of my friends were bidding for positions. My friend Mangu (where he is these days) had lost election in the previous year and he was banking on me for the same. I forgot to mention that in my third year I had won the literary champion award by winning majority of competitions in the college. It was silver jubilee celebration of the college and I was new to the campus. I think everybody was banking on Monalisa Mishra to win the award as I was no body in the college and I was from science discipline. She was also from the science discipline but her father is a well known poet of Orissa and she has won many prizes before that year for the college. I was an absolute shocker in the college and I took away all the prizes from nowhere. I enjoyed very high level of reputation and goodwill among students due to these achievements. I remember I had a black bag and all the functions I would collect the prizes in that black bag. It was a lucky mascot for me during those days and often people find me with the black bag.
In the second year of my course, I was fairly popular chap on the campus as I blended poetry with Physics and debating with short story writing. I could catch up with my old school pals like Muna, Rabi and others with new set of friends like Pramod, Dushashan. I was also in the company of few of my classmate girls as our gang members. She was out and out of the gang from me. Her elder sister was in my senior class and I had quite some acquaintance with her. I continue to be in touch with big sister and always plan to meet her sometime, but it has never happened in the past. I was also not much interested in her during those days as I was preoccupied with studies, competitions and literary pursuit. In the second year of the studies came the election time and I once visited her house. I could get a chance to talk to her freely.
As a child she used to have curly hair; that’s the faint memory of her that I could remember. We often made paper rockets and pushed them in her hair without her knowledge. Those were golden days of life when we didn’t know how life was going to take a turn in future. By the time I came to see her in the fourth year of my college study, she has become a grown up girl and had long, straight hair, they were longer enough to be tied than be left open for us to again push paper rockets in it. She talked politely in that dim light amongst all elders. I can call that meeting as our first meeting as grownups. There was no pleasure of meeting her or getting any special feeling about her.
On those days as I was arrogantly engrossed in the self glory of being a champion of the college. So no matter how emotional a woman would look or behave like, there was a poor chance that I would get attracted towards any women. How rude and misbehaving I was at that point of time?
Did I suffer in life for that feeling ever?
Yes, many times and I think that I have lost things in life because of this arrogance. Life has become a lesson of loss and suffering. due I don’t know whether what I am writing is good or bad but these are honest confessions. Could have managed things better, had I not been so engrossed with my success. This is because when failure comes following success, it’s difficult to absorb that feeling, but many times, you learn lessons by burning your fingers.
Samjhte the………………par humne jalaali ungliyan apni…
I will write about our next meeting as good friends sometime in future as I have some failures that happened in between to write down before I again talk about her. Yes, what is left out with me is her curly hair, deer eyes (heeran ki aankh) and smell of Fair and Lovely cream.
Chhodo…. People have started asking me where I am and whats happening in my life? Nothing boss, where I was, I continue to be there but yes some big things are going to happen in few days time and it means really big thing in life. Challo…. I will keep you posted. You have cried so much with me and suffered so much reading my helplessness and problems of life. I think you deserve a break from all this and should read something different and pleasurable of my life. Writing about her is the beginning of the journey down memory lane and then trying to recapture where I had left some long time ago. Just pray God for me, so that I am able to see her before I die and say sorry for all the misconceptions, problems and confusions of life. I would like to say sorry to many of my friends on this platform, allow me to make my emotions flow like a river and it should not get chocked at some place to become a lake. If it flows like that, then we can only call it a river….. so life is like a river…

Now the song of my choice for you guys........................................................
Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi

Bechaara kahan jaanta tha
Khalish hai yeh kya khala hai
Shehar bhar ki khushi se
Yeh dard mera bhala hai
Jashna yeh raaz na aaye
Mazaa toh bas gam main aaya hai

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Kabhi hai ishq ka ujaala
Kabhi hai maut ka andhera
Bataao kaun bes hoga
Main jogi banu ya lutera
Kayi chehre hai is dil ke
Najaane kaunsa mera

Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Hazaaron aaise phaasle the
Jo Tai karne chale the
raahe magar chal padi thi
Aur peeche hum rah gaye the
kadam Do chaar chal paaye
Kiye phere tere mann ke

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

My Fair and Lovely Lady

What was the time of the year? I don’t remember, but must be summer of 87 when we met again. Once we met then the story changed forever. It was a meeting after a long gap. It has always been like that in life. We always meet after long gaps. So before death when I will look back how many times we met in our life, may be it will have very intense meetings and then long gaps of years, months and decades. We were in the same class till class five and then I moved out to a different city, different place and different school. She stayed back at the same place and continued her studies. I met again after a gap of four years. This time I was visiting the town to play some interschool completion; it was kho kho or football. I think it was football because after a friendly match in the night, I had broken my toes and could not continue the game further. I went to meet her parents after a gap of few years and still had the childish carry over. I think boys in that age grow slower compared to girls. Biologically girls grow up faster than boys during those days. I had no intention to see how she is doing but there was a desire to meet her and see what she is doing and how she is doing in her studies. I had food in their house and came back around 10 PM and then had just a small chat with her about studies. There were other guys who were with me, so we could not take up a fruitful conversation about our life, studies and career. Life took me to two more cities before I again met her. I didn’t meet her at first. I met her sister first. I cant call her as ‘her sister’ as I also respect as my sister and feel that in some other life, she was my sister or even mother. Her sister was in a class just one year senior to me and also in the science stream. So it was easy for me to meet her sister as we were almost nearby departments. Her father will always drive down to the college in a green fiat car. Her father had one of those earlier fiat cars in the whole town. She was in Psychology department, which was just above my department i.e. Physics department. We hardly met in those two years of our graduation and whenever we met, it was a formal meeting and not much talking in that way. Post the examinations, we had lot of spare time when we will take up playing games like carom. Her father was a very good player of carom and in one team he will team up with her and in the other team I will join her sister. It was always me winning the game and she never complained about losing the game to me. She has curly hair as a child but when she grew up, she had surprisingly straightened her hair. I never marked this change till now. When I started going back to my memories, I could guess how I could not capture this subtle change in her. She had beautiful eyes and that’s all. In my imagination I always appreciated her feminist outlooks than physical appearance. We became truly friendly when both of joined in the same business school. Same business schools but with two different outlook. I was from a basic science background and she was there from psychology background, but in the same class. We use to travel back to our home town together on holidays or weekends. While we will be travelling together and will be paying five rupees each but it was always each paying their fare. She was very sensitive to these issues though she is from a rich family and could have said okay with either me giving the fare or she doing it. But I don’t remember that it ever happened when we have paid money for each other. While travelling together and being there in the same seat brought us together and I could feel a distinctive smell from her body and latter on I realized that it was the fragrance of Fair and Lovely brand. I have never used this brand, but sometime back when I found out someone else using the Fair and Lovely at home, I ran to find the smell and realized that she used to have this brand always. She was my Fair and Lovely lady for life……

The Song of Loneliness

Hate, anger, frustration,
How does one survive?
Confusion, distraught, depression.
Why even be alive?

Screaming, running, sobbing,
Everyone is swarming.
Yelling, crying, dying.
Does someone really care?

I sit alone now, all by
Myself with no one else.
They've all left again for good,
And I am once again alone.

I only have friends when
They need a place to hide.
Does that make them love me?
"My basement's always open. . ."

I sit alone again and cry,
For the friends I wish I had,
But will never see.
All I get are words, in threes.

They speak to me softly,
Worry in their faces.
Do they care? Or is
Their worry worthless?

It hurts at the end,
As we all know, but
After that we don't
Know how to go.

Dante once said that sinners go
Where it is dark and dank,
And in the hot below,
Down where Hades rules.

But do we know
Where people go
After their loneliness
Has got to them.

Why stay here where it's sad,
When you can live happy,
No longer alone,
No longer afraid.

The Fate of the Old Couple

‘Where life is planning to take you these days?’
‘I don’t know, I have not planned anything. I planned everything for so long and now I don’t wish to plan anything. I will follow my heart, wherever it wanted to take me, I will just follow’
‘You seem like leaving yourself to destiny and becoming destiny’s child? Of course, you were always a destiny’s child. You have made it by yourself-he said
I don’t know what he meant by this? Does he mean anything at all or said something like that. When he spoke this to me, he was looking at the painting on the wall.
You must have thought something to do, may be after I die or after I get well for some days. Why you are not speaking up to me? Have you shared this with your wife or doing everything on your own?
What answer will I give to him? Life has never been so easy like before. I nurtured my career so much over last ten-fifteen years and threw it at the slightest hesitation when it became unbearable for me. I never looked back about the left outs. I never thought how meaningful the books will be which I have read over years or case notes prepared or books wrote by burning me overnight. Never thought them when I was in the game! Now of course when I am alone these thoughts hunt me and I close my eyes without an answer. Its asking a question about death knowing that you will be dead one day. I take all these as mid career crisis and one day all these stray thoughts will go away from my mind. Now they are haunting me particularly when I am alone and am thinking about the past.
It’s still raining outside but the amount of rain has gone down these days. Its puja time and people should have some share of happiness after such devastating rain in last two months. The green leaves are signing in the hot sun and the flowers are like smiles of my son when he sees me after a long gap. He is going to see me after a long gap, may be a month now when they are back home. Whenever he meets me after sometime, he just gives me a smile and it changes my world. Many times I think I have lost the meaning of my life and just living for him only. I wish to see him successful and well settled. May be many parents think in that way and its natural on my part to think similar to them. Now days he is living in loneliness as I am not around. He reacts a lot also as I am not there to pacify him on my weekly one to one meeting. This time around I was not there for parent teacher meeting, but he didn’t complain much as he knows I cannot be there.
When the life will be normal? I don’t know an answer to this question as I have no answer to the question. Will God forgive these people who created a distance between my son and me- I don’t know the answer also. There are many questions to which I am not seeking any answer these days. When people speak ill about me in the past, I use to get angry and now it seems I have started accepting things as they come. Is it making me more matured or taking away softer aspects of life? I don’t know. How many times I have written “I don’t know”. You will get bored with my lines now.
Do you know something interesting happening these days? He broke my thought process.
What is that he is going to talk to me now?
“It’s about someone close to our family. The old man is of my age and his wife is still alive like your maternal grandmother. He is also a freedom fighter like me and survives with pension. He has two sons and three daughters. The sons are so nasty that they want a share on the pension money of this man. When they wanted a property distribution, the elder son started abusing parents. They have the statue of a devi whom they are worshipping for last fifty years ! None of the sons are ready to keep the Goddess and what they want is a share of the property. They have left the home and with the Goddess moving in the street...literally in the street and searching for a shelter at the age of 93 and 88! God bless them as they wish to see every rising sun and still have hope of living for another day. I know they are nice souls and see what their sons are doing at this age! Life shows so many sounds and colours that you feel like dyeing next day and wishing not to come back again. Everybody has to pass through the old age and so also his sons are going to pass through the age.... but how they can behave like this?” his voice was choked with emotions. He has told me this incident five to six times in last few days and it means that it is hitting him somewhere very hard and he can’t digest the stuff. He is like this always, crying for others and am sure given a chance he would have ran now to pick up the old couple and given shelter to them in his house.
I was not interested to continue the conversation for long as I knew it will make him feel let down. I also wanted not to talk because it may bring out emotions of myself and problems of my loneliness to his front which will make him more weak. I wish to stop here. I wanted to write about my interaction with one more young patient in the hospital but the old couple thought blocked that for the time being. May be next time I will write about it. I heard a song whose lines are like this
Maine dekhi hai in aankho ki mehkti khusbu
Inhe chhukar riston kaa iljam naa do
Sirf ehsas hair uh se mehsus karo
Pyaar ko pyaar hi rehne do koi naam naa do........
What movie? Which actress and actor? I don’t know. Somebody was murmuring this song in the corridor and I liked the lines...... may be next thing will be on these lines

Hello Again

Hello again, hello
Just called to say 'hello'
I couldn't sleep at all tonight
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait.
Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you every night
When I'm here alone
And you're there at home
Hello
Maybe it's been crazy
And maybe I'm to blame
But I put my heart above my head
We've been through it all
And you loved me just the same
And when you're not there
I just need to hear.

Hello, my friend, hello
It's good to need you so
It's good to love you like I do
And to feel this way
When I hear you say Hello
Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you every night
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait
Hello Again Hello
(who wrote for whom
if you know
just let me know
There is only one in this world
who can answer this question right!)

What If We are not Together

What if we are not together
For all these moments and years
What if we have parted ways
We have loved forever.

What if we are like the banks of river
We run parallel though never met ever
We sing the song of a balloon
That never blows to heaven
But gives the love of thousand moon.

What if the clouds stopped singing
The birds stopped chirping
The violin gone silent
Time has stopped for a moment,
We have loved forever

What if you are not around
The silence is your solace
Its putting me into the ground
The long queue of emotions
The lost shadows motions
All have made a pact
To make me lonely and sad.

What if I have loved you alone
And you have played just the tune
You slept in the bed of my dreams
Like the snake that wish to embrace
Like the empty river bed I looked in
Like the lonely traveller of the night
The start filled sky that I sneaked in.

What if you have never loved me
And I have loved you forever
In the name of the love you shine
In each of your shine I play and dine
In each moment of your escape
I catch myself within empty shrine.

What if we have not loved forever
I have loved you forever.

It’s Raining Whole Night

‘Did anybody come yesterday?
Whom do you expect to come in this rain? I asked.
He smiled and said, “What does this mean? If it rains, one should not come to meet people who are in distress!”
“Who is in distress, you?
“No, not me but you! You are in distress. That’s why you go to that window and stand there for long hours. What do you think? I am sleeping always and can one sleep by just closing the eyes? It’s possible that one may close the eyes but all his senses must be working. The whole world thinks that you are sleeping, but you could see the fun of how others react to you when you have closed your eyes.”
I don’t know whether he has this childish mindset to close his eyes and then see how others are reacting; what topics are they discussing; what plans are they making for the funeral. I am now more scared of him and his behavior. He is going beyond my comprehension these days. His first question itself was puzzling. Whether anybody came to meet him or not? Whom does he expect to come and meet him? All my uncles have come and visited him in between. All my aunties have sobbed for his greatness. All my uncles got married to the girls of his choice and he picked up his daughter in laws with lot of efforts and from small families. They are always obliged to my grandfather for his greatness in bringing them to the house which otherwise they would not have got married into in normal circumstances. He also never treated anyone one of them different from his own daughters. He is a great man and is always biased for one person i.e. myself. Beyond me, he has kept his equity in decision making. But when it is about me, he is biased for obvious reasons. Those who know about my life and how I grew up, they know the reason why he is so biased to me. Let us not talk about his biased behavior towards me at this point of time. It all started when we talked about rain last night.
He expected some people to come and meet him while it was raining whole night. It is difficult to go out of the hospital also. The whole street is chocked with water. Nayagarh is a hilly town, just the base of two small hillocks and from there onwards, one can see the hills starting and you have entrance to the western ghat extensions of Orissa. It rained so much that all nullahs and drains got chocked and were over flowing. They brought all the stinking stuff to the street and it is like hell now. One of the nurses told me that the water reservoir that supplies water to the town is also overflowing and people are getting fishes on the street (those which have jumped out of the pond. All the shops were closed and large part of the city was blacked out. Last night also I could see the whole city looking like a ghost town. And he expects someone to come and meet him.
Only ghosts can come and meet him. I don’t wish ghosts to come and meet him.
He broke the silence. “You know, when your uncles were falling sick, I had hardly cared for the rain, snakes or water blockages. When you start from the village, near the palace of the king, you will always find a big banyan tree. In some dark nights, when the wind is blowing very fast and whistles through the jungles nearby, the braches create cracking sound and people fear that ghosts are around. I have never cared for that. Even sometimes the witches will be out on the street in the dark nights and your grandma will always tell me not to venture out. But my children need medical attention. Which father will bear the pain of his children, particularly when he has lost four kids before? I never cared for the night and its darkness. I believed there is some truth and darkness is like a cover over the truth. Farther you are from it, scarier it is. Closer you go; darkness runs away like a little child scared of an unknown person. So I have never cared for darkness. Snakes also are another danger for us. I think other than the human being; it’s a snake that can bite you for no reason. Being so close to the forest area, I have seen bigger snakes; snakes that can eat a buffalo also. Why one should be scared of someone in life. If you wish to meet someone, how much do this darkness, snakes, water and rain block you? You should have zeal to meet people and ask about their whereabouts”
I could sense some level of emotion in his voice for the first time. He was missing someone and was expecting the person to come and meet him. It was suddenly a power cut again and sisters came running into the room as the silence in the room was disturbed by blipping machine sound. Sisters brought with them the smell of their sweat and some cheap perfume. They also looked tired as they had to put more effort in previous night to monitor the patients due to frequent power failures.
I came back to my usual position and opened the window. The naughty wind blowing outside threw small rain drops on my face. I was not ready for such a sensation and moved away from the window. The whole sky was full of clouds. Damn dark clouds that may bring more incessant rain again. It’s already flood situation in Orissa and many of the rivers including Kusumi have crossed their banks. One of the uncles was saying that this year the sugarcane crop is going for a toss. I don’t know what time it was when I looked back to him. He was sleeping like a small child with the pillow looking like his doll. The wires and tubes are the binding ropes that have made him to stick to this world. Through the deemed light spread across the room, I was wondering how many days more both of us will be there together. I am not in a hurry to close this chapter. I wish him to continue his conversations with me; I wish him to continue sleeping like a small child for ever and with childlike innocence, expect someone to drop in. I know lot to be done now. I need to decide about my job. I need to work out Google’s school and need to relocate to some city and plan a life of my own. But all these can wait for some months or a year so as I wish to be with him in this wee hour of life when there is no light for miles and miles of hopelessness.
I wish time to stand still and wait for things to happen. I wish if I could become God and reverse lot of things in life forever. I wish….. If wishes are horses, they would have got wings too….

In the Spring of My Adulthood

“So, what are you doing? Why are you always looking at the sky through the window? Are you thinking something or missing someone in life? Are you thinking about me/ Don’t think so much as I had had my time and everything should come to an end someday, so also my life. What is left out is your impressions, feelings and ideas on your life” He told me this
I was not interested on the last part of his speech. I was not at all!
He coughed a bit and then continued his talk. His voice sounded mystique and took me to some other place. He was speaking from my back. His voice was hitting me hard and straight. There was no respite from his talk and sound of the air conditioners in the hospital. He continued.
“Life is like a big race where everybody can run according to their own style. You will have marathon runners, sprinters, long jumpers, and all other forms of people running together and all of them have a common goal- to fulfil their personal legend, personal choices and goals. At the beginning of the race, all of us are together, sharing same level of enthusiasm. But as the race develops, the initial happiness gives way to the real challenges. It also brings with it fatigue, boredom, monotony, doubts and confidence on own abilities.
There are some people who give up the challenge-they are still in the race, but they don’t compete. This is because they don’t want to. They are there because they cannot stop in the middle of the road; there are many of them. You will find them pedalling near to the police car; talking to one another and fulfil their own desires and duties. Those who are in the competition end up distancing ourselves from the others who are ‘also runs’. We are obliged to face loneliness, surprise at unknown bends in the road, we have problems with our muscles and after sometime we wonder whether it was worth being in the race. But he told me that it is worth being in the race and one should not just give up.”
Silence rules both of us these days. These pauses are very long and killing. They are like mist in a mountain highway. It may confuse you many times. I wished to ask a question which for obvious reasons I didn’t ask. He will perceive me that I am with self doubts. Many people feel that way that I am full of self doubts and what guided me so far in last fifteen years is getting questioned by myself.
It reminds me a funny scene in a race. The guys who were running in the race as ‘also rans’ combined together and made a human chain to knock down the prospective winner. Many of these ‘also rans’ sometimes, while walking along, knock down the potential winners. I didn’t ask those questions to him because I don’t want to confuse anybody, nor you or me or my grandfather.
He took up a conversation again with me around 9 AM, after the nurses gave him some injections. He never complained when they pushed the needle. My grandmother is of the opinion that he was always scared of injections. That’s the reason for which for many of his problems which needs medical attention, he avoided them throughout the life and yet could have such a healthy living.
“Why are you panicky today? Has the doctor said something to you?” he asked me somewhere in between ten and eleven.
“Nothing” was my answer to him.
You know, every day that I spend in this world is a blessing for me. You should also think in the same way. So you will start enjoying your life. One should enjoy all the grace God has given for the day. Grace cannot be saved for another day, another year and then use them at some other point of time. If one does not use those blessings, then he may lose it forever. God has made all of us as artistes. One day he gives us a paint brush and a canvass to paint, another day a chisel for sculpting and a pen to write for another day. We are the artists of our own life and destiny. Can we use the chisel for writing or the brush for sculpting? We can’t do this though we have all of them. So every day is like a miracle for us. One should accept today’s blessings to create the life with what I have. If you do with detachment and without a feeling of guilt, God will be kind to give me a tomorrow with more opportunities.
I started believing this and felt very happy. When I came out of the room the sun was very warm. Humidity level is very high due to the rain last night. There was a rainbow in the distant sky. The breeze was so gentle that it could touch my skin and make me feel happy. I started feeling as if the sun is not there as if I am entering into the season of springs in my life and there is a distant frail looking image taking me to the sprint of my adulthood. I think I am slowly maturing to a better person!

Experimenting with Frogs

I think I am becoming to sensitive to his health and writing too much about his health than his thoughts at this moment. Someone called me up and told me that I am going too personal on the blog. Am I? May be, but I never expected many people to come and read these stuff as they are my own personal expressions. Since I dont do much of writing these days, it gives lot of comfort for me to pen down my thoughts on the blog. When I write them down, my feeling and anger comes down and hence I feel at ease and comfort. One should not treat my writing as anything maligned or against anyone. Blogosphere is a world where one has freedom of expression and can pen down all his thoughts. So nothing to feel offended if I have brought names to the blog. These are my personal views and they may be biased also.
OK, todays lesson for me is based over some discussion I had with him last night before he went to sleep. He told me that all of are like frogs. He referred about some newspaper clipping he had read sometime back. He doesnt remember when he read this. I also didnt insist to know what source was it which made him to compare us with frogs.
It was somewhere in a lab in which they put frogs in water and after sometime they started heating the water. As the water became warmer, the frog enjoyed it and at somepoint of time, when the water was at boiling hot temperature, the frog could not come out of the water; there was no reaction and it died inside the water. Quite contrary to this when they put a frog in boiling water, it immediately jumped out of water (of course with few borns), but it could save itself.
Many a times, we also behave like the frog in the water. We try to make our own living so comfortable with our passion, beleifs and assumptions that we forget sometime about the time when the water will boil and we will not be able to come out of it. He is of the opinion that many people are successful in life when they could realize the boiling of water and at the slightest instance will jump out of the water, thuse saving their life. So its important in life to know about the water temperature, its slow process of boiling and the opportunity when one should jump out of the water. If you fail, then you will be dead.
He told me few more stories also, but I was feeling asleep due to tiredness and also its raining heavily. They are saying it may be flood again in Orissa as some of the major rivers have swollen to the height and water levels may cross the danger mark anytime. But I have hardly anytime to read a newspaper or look at the sky and think about anything beyond him. Orissa is always like this, sometime it rains heavily leading to flood and some years its draught and sometime cyclones and I dont know when the destiny of my people will change and Orissa will become a land of happiness and success. I dont know. I just pray that day comes during my life time and I see my place and people being happy.
Let everybody be happy in life. Let all anger, pain, sufferring vanish from this world.

All That You See In Front of Your Eyes

Today he is in peace with himself. Last night also he slept well. I think more than the sedative, it was the ease of breathing that made him to sleep well. I also had a good sleep. I remember getting up only 3 times last night. Once around 1230 when they gave some medicine, second time around 3 AM when they came down for some injection and around 430 when he coughed a little bit.
The morning was more serene. I could sense the smell of the watered earth. It smelled so pure, it was so natural and fresh for both of us. The sky continues to be dark and dingy. Is dingy the right word? May be there was thick cloud and it had rained heavily last night. Morning was more refreshing in nature. He had some soup in the morning and could see me standing near the window and looking at the distant sky. He must be thinking that I am around without my family and for him only and it must be making him feel dangerously selfish. I fear he should not think this way otherwise one day he will throw me out from the hospital by saying that I should only come when he is dead. It will be too much for me for the whole of life.
When he called me out, I was thinking about Google, my son who is there at Indore for a long time without me and must be missing me a lot. He asked me in a gentle soft voice as if he is caressing my hair. Thats what he used to do with me when I was a little child. To all those curious questions of life, he will call me and just touch my head and give me a blank look. His look is like the distant horizon, its very diffcult to face that look. At least my uncles are scared of that look. My aunties never got a chance to face such a situation in life.
" Are you still gazing towards the distant sky and the endless ocean? Do you have the same habit continuing? He asked
I didnt answer anything.
"Your mother also used to do that way". This was shocking because he has always avoided any discussion about my mother and his daughter.
'Do you know these little stars that you watch in the night? They come from million years of distance and who knows by tha time, they come to your eyes and you see them, they must be dead. many a times what looks as real is not real! The star must have been dead some years before and its light reaching you after their death"
I dont know also why he said this to me. Is he senstive to death these days? I dont know.
He continued his conversation by adding about the sea this time.
"Why do you spend so much time watching the sea?"
I still have no answer.
"You know, the sea is also another illusion. The spread looks like a blue carpet for you and you assume that it has water in it. But they are not water, they are just salt, mere salt. you can not survive with salt alone. Memories are like this salt, they are so sticky that they hold you up for long time but one can not leave with these salt alone. You should never get illusioned with these hard facts of life. Sea is a spread of emotion for you. It always tries to bring a feeling of nostalgia with you but you can not survive with nostalgia."
I was silent and still silent like the water of the Blue River. I was not thinking about anything at that point of time. I was not ready to take any conversation with him. Just wanted to listen to him, like ghazals of Ghulam Alli. He was speaking effortlessly after such a long time.
"Why you are not saying anything?" he asked me.
I have ever said anything to him in life. Everything was spoken to grand mother. She was the lady who called all the shots. But I have always listened to him, his words, his conviction, his ideals, his struggle and what not. But I have ever asked anything to him.
There was an absolute silence between both of us. The silence was like a virus which was killing the lapse of time between both of us. I was flowing miles and miles in an empty boat alone like Tom Hanks in the movie 'Cast Away' and there was no sign of anyland. He was the boat in which I have travelled my life and in last few days that boat was sinking. It was sinking without giving any sign of leakage.
where am I going to land up when he is not around? How I am going to see the light house to reach the destination of my life? How far am I going to move from here?
I have no answer. It was absolute silence that ruled the room. Only after the doctor came, I had some respite and the blood pressure machine and the sound of the elctro cardiogram machine broke the silence between both of us. May be we must have travelled miles and miles in those fifteen minutes of silence.
I dont know how long I will continue to see the sky and watch the sea when I have a chance?

Its Time to Sing the Song Alisha !

Alisha is my addition only. I came to know about Alisha sometime back through Harish Bijoor and his writings. He wrote a piece in one of my book, " Come Alsiha, its time to dance" . Hairsh and me are good friends and we know each other for almost six years now. He is a great brand guru and gives talks on branding where ever he goes and writes columns in the newspaper also. I had once invited him to IIMIndore also.
But now why did I write about Alisha and time to sing a song is directly has no bearing to my friends. It has something to do with my grand father. i think I spoke about my grand father in detail to Manaswini in recent past. Now he is at the last leg of life. A life full of activities, action, adventure and fun! thats what he tells me. As a little child, he lost his mother quite early. People say that his step brother who was almost 15-20 years senior to him poisoned his mother. Anyway this is only dramatic. The adventure has to follow then on. He grew up in an era when freedom fighters were the celebrated heroes and he joined the bandwagon leaving a young wife and little children on the back. he was in the jail as he fought against the British as well as the king of Nayagarh as the head of Prajamandal Movement. India got independence but the new India forgot him and he came out of the jail at a latter stage.
His next innings was more with social work and cooperative movement in the area. he was awarded several times by central and state government and he is the guy who made cheese cake of nayagarh very popular throughout the state. He developed a so called supply chain network by using state road transport corporation buses and made the cheeses cake available throughout the state. There was no information technology at that time, but he could develop a system by which people at 500 kms distance can get fresh cheese cakes of the previous night available to them.
Often in the evening of life, he would come and be nostalgic about his past. So also each one of us will do that when we grow old. he talked about inclusive growth. I had a chance to travel with him to some of the villages that he had adopted and could be suprised to see that there are villages where all the houses are pucca houses. On enquiry, he will tell me how he changed the engagement of the people from daily wage earners into people who started with handloom and ended with powerloom business. There are clusters of powerlooms and all these people are extremely rich. He told me when they needed bank finance, my grand father had given his property as mortgage.

He is not keeping well and I am with him these days. I was also disturbed due do some uncalled for developments at IIMIndore and then my decision to leave that place. My family was disturbed because i decided to quit in a very short notice. I have never put my own problems known to my family members. while I was passing through these difficulties my grandpa fell sick and I had to travel to my home town. But now I am at peace within myself and also i am enjoying my stay with him. Job, career and recognition has taken a back seat at this point of time. During these days of his life, he is so jovial. He wanted me to sing a song some days back. This was a number i use to sing during my school days to pray God. Now I dont sing at all.
Let me give the lines to you also, " Dhalidia saaraa, dharanire aaji, tumari ashish dhaaraa, andhara rate, kantaka pathe, dia alokara ishara". This says, 'Bestow me all, on the earth, your blessings, in the dark nights, on thorn filled roads, show me the sign of light". Though he has very less energy left with him, but he was murmuring the song with me while I was singing the song with him.
This is life, Alisha, after such a long journey, filled with happiness and sorrow, pain and agony, success and failure, at 93 he is signing the song of life and praying for showing the eternal light for his last journey. Through him, I becoming dead and through him, I am living for centuries and going to a stage which is making me content and pure for forgiving all those who have sinned against me.
Alisha, I am happy, I am blessed and I have forgotten all the pain and I have forgiven all those sinners to me,
Alisha, I am singing the song of life, come and sing with me.

And The Confusion Continues

Yes, the confusion continues in life. While mind says something, the heart is saying something different. I need to take a call very soon, may be by December on what should I do henceforth. My wife says academics is my cup of tea and I should work on for few more years. I dont know what does this mean. I also would like to spend sometime in academics before finally call it a day in life.
Now of course my attention is to the family problem, my maternal grand father's health and other issues. Career has taken a backsheet at this point of time and I wish I could spend more and more time with my grand father before he leaves for heavenly abode. Even though I may have to lose something in life, but I wish to spend some moretime with him in between. Will the offers wait for me till that time? I dont know but hope they will, or else I will do something else but now I look forward to family problems and Google's studies first. If people really want me to work with them, may be they will find someway to help me out and keep the interest on me alive till I am through from my family problems, may be I will have something to cherish at the end of the day or to explore something new at the begining of another journey. Hope people give me some space and wait for me and pray for the same!

Meeting Mr Beautiful..

Yes, now onwards you will not find any panicky postings. Now its the time to go nostalgic and search the same innocence for which this blog was created. May be I lost track somwhere in between and started writing what was not enjoyable to many including myself. Let me write about Mr Beautiful, rather Prof Beautiful. he is going to be a big and big chapter in my book where I am planning to pen down the characters that I have met in last few years. Mr Beautiful joined IIMIndore some two years before. His joining has an interesting story, may be Neeraj and Chandrasekhar will tell you in detail about that... But I am writing about one of the surprising evenings of my life when he landed up in my house immediately after I took over as the officiating Director of IIMIndore. I never expected that he will comd down to my house because in principle we have always stayed far from each other.He has his own set of principle(!) and so do I. He is as opiniated as I am. So we werenot supposed to meet ever.But I was surprised to find him in my house and we had a gala time together. we spoke at legthh about our work, family and life. Durin those two hours he spoke his mind so also me and we departed that evening with a feeling of deja vu. Now when I look back and wonder why he came to my house and what he did with those golden promises that he made to me ! But it was great meeting Mr Beautiful. I will introduce him to you in detail incuding his history, recruitment, joining and his interest for mind games in my book. just hold on for few months. but it was nice knowing him in life and whenever i will meet another person like him i am definitely going to dran comparison and remember him a lot/

What a Funny Life I Have !

I was clinging onto something which had given me pain and sufferring and was thinking that this is the end of the tunnel and nothing good can happen in my life. The solace at that point of time was the series of telephones and emails from my students and few of my friends. But at the end of the day, I can call myself as stupid. I read so many books, magazines, preached so much goodness, but never ever realized that what is bad, when you cling onto that it only gives you pain.
I had never thought that I will ever comeback to corporate and ten start working again as last so many years of life has gone on academics and last ten years almost with very briliant minds. But what am I supposed to do with this much of knowledge? Where should I have applied these knowledge other than teaching to my students? Why didnt I ask these questions to myself before.

Yes, I am destined to start a second innings in a different platform and head some initiatives. The only thing thats hunting me is how much is enough? and why these people are offerring so much salary to me? Am I worth such a huge sum here? I dont know? May be I will answer these questions down a year or so.

Its time to keep yourself on peace and come to a state of tranquility with yourself and retrospect the future course of action. Whatsoever maybe the case, one think is sure that life throws interesting challenges and I need to embrace them. Stay cool and u should learn from me that you need to see life unravelling in front of you its many colors and sending positive signals.
I wish to thank all my students, friends, and close peers and especially my soulmate at this point of time for guiding through a period of time which was full of anger, hatred and selfiosh desires of lesser mortals.
Let us cheer for life, its many colors and unique and subtle happiness that it throws as challenge . Thanks GOD, that I have passed the test of life without dilluting my own self and good values of life.

What are Thoughts?

You cannot escape the results of your thoughts. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration.

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You might succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far.

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem worse, that you must not quit.

A Mind of Beauty

I could only see what was to be

The dawning of a new day

Birds flying through the air

Chirping rhythmically along the way

Blooms of all fragrances

Colored my every step.

Even old memories make me smile

Through some though, I have wept

I find adversity around every corner

It makes me stronger every day.

Can you not see me dancing

Along my lonely way

I seek nothing other than

Inspiration in various forms

To have and to want

Are just part of lifes storms.

My umbrella of love

Will protect me from the wet and cold

For I have many years left

Before I grow old

(Teressa Harr Pena)

Don't Give Up

"In this proud land we grew up strong

We were wanted all along

I was taught to fight, taught to win

I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems

I am a man whose dreams have all deserted

I've changed my face, I've changed my name

but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up ... 'cos you have friends

don't give up ... you're not beaten yet

don't give up ... I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around

never thought I could be affected

thought that we'd be the last to go

it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home

the place that I was born, on the lakeside

as daylight broke, I saw the earth

the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up ... you still have us

don't give up ... we don't need much of anything

don't give up ... 'cause somewhere there's a place where we belong

rest your head

you worry too much

it's going to be alright

when times get rough

you can fall back on us

don't give up

please don't give up

'got to walk out of here

I can't take anymore

going to stand on that bridge

keep my eyes down below

whatever may come

and whatever may go

that river's flowing

that river's flowing

moved on to another town

tried hard to settle down

for every job, so many men

so many men no-one needsd

on't give up ... 'cause you have friends

don't give up ... you're not the only one

don't give up ... no reason to be ashamed

don't give up ... you still have us

don't give up now ... we're proud of who you are

don't give up ... you know it's never been easy

don't give up ... 'cause I believe there's the a place ... there's a place where we belong

(A Song by PETER GABRIEL )

It Sounds Funny

I am at a new place with a complete new set of people. They have their aspiration, limitations, arrogance and positions to take in life. When they are discussing with me, I could see the reflection of their attitude, apprehensions and limitations of life being reflected in their activities and opinions. I have seen these behaviors everywhere and many a times I wonder how meaningless our life is. Meaningless because I could not related with these things anymore. Is this the death of my motivation to do good work and continue thinking positive about life/ Is this the end of the tunnel of happiness and success? Till last night I was not thinking in those lines but today why such thoughts are coming to my mind.
I have seen also people talking nonsense and discussing about others despite having their own limitations. God forbid why do they do like this? Why cant people take a positive view of life and work towards good things of life. The sense of distrust is also on a rise. People think if you go out of place, then you can not have a positive vibration about life and work. Its not correct. You can go out of place and yet think good about the place. Its the goodness of a place that guides people to do work and progress in life and not other way around! Why such stray thoughts are roaming in my mind these days. I dont know.
Today is teacher's day and many students have sent sms to me despite me not being on IIMI anyomre. It is their good will and good word that has guided me in this wee hours. I know life will take a turn and people will againt go back to their selves and some people will be happy and some people will be sad. The sun will come at the similar timings of the year, people will be happily chatting and singing around the temples about the prayers and life will be as usual and I will be slowly coming out of myself and get connected to the external world and then oneday will forget all the pain and the sufferring.
Will Life will be ever as usual. God knows!

After I Got a Mail to Chase My Dreams

I got a mail from Shankar Prakash, a student of mine of 06-08 batch. I think he has read my postings and wrote the mail to me. First he was suprised by the notes and referred about a line that is always seen in my office" This is a positive energy zone and dont bring any negative thoughts". He must be wondering about the casualty and the consequences of that despite me being so positive minded. I strongly appreciate his feelings. But 'You too Brutus' is a word penned in this world only. I am writing this note from a new place where I am here for just two days i.e Ahemedabad campus. I just came down for a meeting with some great people and to interact with great minds here, nothing much to read beyond this point.
I thought I should pen down my thoughts before I call it a day. Dear Prakash, thanks for reminding me to stay positive as many people came back to me with all negative and revengeful thoughts. But I stayed cool as I have mentioned that I believe in good cause. I have seen many lesser mortals; so there is a pleasure of staying above these levels. Are good things happenning in life. You can be assured in affirmative in many ways. I could not digest thoughts in Brida that made me to take long time, but now I have made good progress and what surprises me is the path of knowledge and how despite being in two different countries and cultural backgrounds, Rajnish and Paulo Cohello have similar thoughts in unision. May be I will write about that at a latter stage. Yes, I am travelling for some days now, Ahmedabad, Bangalore, Chennai and back to Indore in few days time. I have to give a talk in Indore sometime around 10-11th also as Veenita called me up for the same. Looks life will be slightly busy in coming weeks.
I have to also get connected with SKF executives sometime next week for their proposed training program; have to work for Maruti's brand training program and think about a new concept for LG after the scarlet campaign. My God ! When I will be free from all these again. May be some one two months time.
Yes, I have a dream of having a farmhouse of my own spreading 40 acres and in front of house will be lot of violet color brinjals, lawns full of flowers, miles of sugarcane cultivation, a small tractor, a carrier or multiutility vehicle from the movie "satte pe satta' and of course lots of books and notes to read. I dont know whether such a dream can be fulfilled in life or not, but if I continue seeing the dream and trying to realize this dream, I will be able to do it someday.Lets pray for the same.
I read an interesting article, how to kill boredom? It talked about doing abstract painting. I have found abstract paintings to be very boring, but doing such paintings and trying to find the subconscious meaning of suchpaintings will be a good time pass! What do you think? What are the other ways of time pass? I should have at least a list of the same and when I move out again from the job after some years may be, I will thank you for the same.

Prakash's mail reminded me of my dream again and I am sure I am going to have a good night sleep

Its Calmness Within

I never thought that I will get so much of peace in mind just two days after quiting my job. I am coming back to myself so fast. what reasons are there for me to cool down and be calm and bring a sense of forgiveness within myself. Prabin told me' dont you think revengefull? My answer to him is a big 'NO". From the begining I have kept this to myself that come whatsoever, I will never bring any negative thought to my mind and will not do anything negative. I would like to see how low can I go in life by sticking to my principles, staying focussed to my goals and through positive thinking. I dont this this is a challenge to myself, rather it is a challenge to others to see my 'resoluteness' This may be due to reading lots of books on leadership and good value or may be from the ideas of good brand/bad brand philosophy. I dont know for what, but today I have a sense of peace and forgiveness within me.
Let the lesser mortals work and do whatever they wished to do, let me do my peace of mind and work for the dreams that I have. I think I will come out as successful at the long run. Last two days have been damn good, I am reading books, reading mails sent by my students and collegues as a response to my good bye mails, did some cooking last night also. Cleaned up all the personal papers and garbage and realized that I was carrying more garbage and less of good papers with myself. Being nostalgic, just did an evaluation of my incomes and savings over the years and was calculating how many more days can I have this comfort of reading, sleeping, walking, cooking and doing nothing for money. Did I ever write that I had nothing at one point of time in terms of money, assets and properties some 15 years before. I worked very hard over the last fifteen years and could make up something. Then being a management student did some future projections by taking inflation int to account and so also adding the cost of leaving !
Blah! I found out that if I dont do any work from today and just stay home and do some book writing, consulting and column writing in the , save for my son's professional education, I think by repaying my loans I can still survive for 115 years (of course with a single family holiday, no air travel, no credit card use and buying books to read worth 50,000 per year. With a projected inflation rate of average 8% and money growing at 15%, my savings should take me for 115 years with a certain percantage as re-investment option and this is based over the most pessimistic modelling on my stock market performance (25% return from stock invests where as currently I work at 40% return on long term gain model; all that short term gains are absorbed post tax and adjusted against tax liabilities. The current available liqidity should make me to run for three years without any serious work committment.
I think I have started giving lessons on personal finance and trying to show my acumen in managing personal finance. But I am not going to survive for another 115 years and i dont want to see a day when potatos will cost me 110/ a killo. My projections show these numbers. Lets leave these stupid things.
Mr. Needhesh Tyagi is the editor of Pune Mirror and we are planning to work together on an interesting project. I was told that Gandhiji travelled across India and wrote few notes on India and Indian countryside. I dont know which book is ther$e which has got all these notes. I have read Gandhiji the list and seen him only as a marketing man. If you have some clue about these notes of Gandhiji on India, do send me a mail at tapanpanda@gmail.com or tapanpanda@yahoo.com so that I can take this project forward. What book do you think I should try my hands now? Dont give me a management book now. I would like to write something on Indian youth, their aspirations, failures, complexities of life or on Indian woman. But as a reader of this blog if you think I should look for some new ideas and if you can help me on this I will be grateful. Do write to me on any interesting aspect of Indianness that I should focus on my next book.

Of course in a day or two I will start working on my old nostalgic journey of my child hood.

Life is Like a Flowing River

I read this somewhere long time back. I think I read this in Siddharth by Hermen Hess. He is a great writer and philosopher and I dont think anybody has understood the true meaning of hindu philosophy. Before I write the context on which I have decided to write this blog, Ler me write my impression and feeling about IIMIndore.
Many people have sent me mails mentioning about my impression about the institute. So I am giving my honest impression. IIMIndore is a great place to work, a great institution. The landscape and the ambience adds a new meaning to the workplace. If you are ever in IIMIndore campus, please visit a place called 'Sunset Point'. Please spend sometime there and take few photographs. Its the best place on campus where you can see the setting Sun and experience how the color of the sky changes over that one hour of twilight period. Its a great place to work as there are many bright faculties here who inspire and challenge your thought process. There are many dynamic people whom you will find in the institute, who have voluntarily contributed in building the institute. I think one of the more memorable impressions and stay in life is IIMIndore. Its not because I got a chance to work here but also could contribute a little in taking the name of the institute further. I love this institute like anything.
I also got a chance to teach some of the brilliant students of my life. They were so brilliant and bright that many times I wished that one day I would like to see them as CEO of a company. There are many good things to write about IIMIndore. May be once I am out of the institute and when plan to write my autobiography, will write in detail about the positive experience that I have with the institute. May be One of the good times I had in life while working at IIMIndore.
I was having a conversation with Prof Pawan Singh and I know he is a philospoher professor but his metaphors are so powerful that sometimes I dont find words to express my feelings.
He told me that life has to go on and its like a flowing river. there may be good looing banks a river can see, but the river should not stop. If it stops there, then it loses its property of being a river. I strongly agree with him. Life is like a flowing river and you cover more destinations, goals, and get more achievements if you believe that life is like a river. If you stay back and confine yourself to a place or a thought, then life will loses its meaning.

I am a strong believer that life is like a flowing river and its the pleasure of meeting new people and new challenges that makes life meaningful. On the last day of the institute, I have no regrets as I did well here and wish the institute best of luck. IIMIndore is like a mother who mentored me to take newer challenges in life.

Everybody Meets the Soulmate in Lifetime

This is something that compelled me to write back again. It says that every human being gets a chance to meet his/her soulmate during the lifetime. It is not difficult to find out whether one will get a chance to meet the soulmate, but it is to do more with whether one can recognize the soulmate or not. Soulmate does not necessarily be someone who lives with you or talks with you. He or she may be mailes apart from you but can take up the conscience call and get connected. Its a person whom you always linger to meet/ wish to talk your heart out. When you dont get your soulmate, you may have some impatience in my mind, but latter it brings a pause, calmness withing the person.
Life is a journey between death and birth. When Muna (my causin brother) died in September 2004, we were disturbed quite a lot. My son was smaller than what he is today. Somebody asked him the meaning of death. He had a strong and sweet answer. Death is something by which you are not going to meet the same person throughout your life. I read somewhere also the meaning of risk in life. The author says ( I quote) By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but one should never cease for love. As long as you keep looking , YOU WILL TRIUMPH IN THE END.

One should not Look Back in Life

Ha ! Thats the apt title that I thought I should give to my posting. You know when I was passing through the difficult times and was fighting against all odds here, I was so disturbed and unmindful about the things happening around my life, but the day I resigned, I had a great night to celebrate and get a good sleep after a long time. You must be wondering what difficulty that I faced that made me to put my papers, Just hold on. I have whole of September left with me to sleep, enjoy music, particularly Neil Diamond, read novels and write poetry and also write the blog; And this time, I promise I will write the truth and the whole story of my experience of last few months.
Some of my corporate friends are also reading my blog and they would also like to know what dirty polictics is being played here. It may look like something interesting for the reader but would be a commentary on my own sufferring here. Come September is a popular song and I plan to relax, read and write in September and then start my re-working at a new place (wherever now, hardly matters). Life has to go on and one should NOT LOOK BACK

Nothing Goes Wrong in Life

I was reading a novel called Brida sent to me by a very close soulmate of mine from a far off place. The soulmate knows what kind of books I read and whenevr Paulo Colheo comes to the shelf with a new collection, I receive a copy of the book on the very first week of the launch of the book. This time Brida is special and everytime I read a book of Paulo, its special for me as it opens of my mind and gives a new lesson to me. I have found his books to be interesting and inspiring as they have come to my life at difficult times of life. I am not saying that everybody should read but I like this book. It takes me far away from the reality and guides me through the difficult terrain of life.

I dont wish to write down my pain and suffering now but everyday looks a shocking day as people are showing their true colors and coming out in open to make me realize how the reality of life works and for minor gains how people can go so far in their lives and compromise so much for minor games. Some other time, some other mood and not now at least not at the current mood.

I Know You Guys Will Write Back

I was expecting this after posting my previous post on the blog. My students are reading my blog, this fact is known to me, particularly after received a mail from SWAC last time. This time I was expecting a mail/few mail responses from students and ex-students but never expected that within two days I will receive so many mails from you guys. I sincerely thank you all for the love and affection that you have shown to me through your mails. I think as a teacher thats what you get in your life. Love, care and affection of your students. A large part of the main gets wiped out by these email responses.

And I am sure world has many good people. Its only we make mistake in choosing good and bad people around us and these mistakes make you to lose confidence from everybody. Being a trainer I teach these lessons to my students, trainess but when it comes to your own life, the realization is through a painful process. If you ask me a question about whether I have any regrets in life or at workplace. My answer is a concrete "No'. The reason being whatever i had planned to do for the school, I have done it and may be by staying put I could have done something more, but even moving out will make to use these experiences and built greater and better things in life.
I am eternally optimistic person and believer in the good cause. Our sufferrings and pain has a reason, rather two reasons; a good one and a bad one. The good one is that it gives us new challenges and guides us to achieve greater things in life; the bad ones that your confidence on people goes down. But this is life. There is a great saying, "tere mehkhane ki yeh ajeb hai daastan saaki, jaam unhe pes kiya jaata hai, jineh pinaa hi nahin aata'.
let us hope that in few weeks time, I will come back with a different mood and write again about positive aspect of life and also about new challenges. I thought I will take a nostalgic stand on the blog when I started but got entangled with writing about the problems, turmoils and sufferrings of life! But I am sure God will give a chance to comeback to the original mood and again search my tiny memories to build a garland of happiness for my readers. For the time being, I am on tenterhooks!!

Its Time to Say Good Bye

I had two options. Either I have to stay back and fight or to choose my own course of action. I hev never beleived in politicking and fighting rather I have always worked for positive results. But being positive in a weeked environment has no use. many of my friends and relatives suggested me that I should fight back. But I asked a question: for whom should I fight? Nobody came to my rescue at this point of time. The world is divided into different set of people viz. those who are against me; those who always depended on me and took all the benefits and then never looked back and those who are good friends and never cared for me saying that this is my problem. Those who are against me are happy because I am not there to fight with them or complain against their misdeeds; those who took benefit from me and were like rats in the ship, ran away by seeing how others are fighting with me and those who are silent, I have no comments on them.

One thing I am sure that IIMIndore is a nasty place to work. The polictics is so high that you feel like vomiting sometime. I should have left immediately after Prof Parashar and joined elsewhere but stayed back thinking that I have brought a change to the work culture of IIMIndore. It seems I am the first casualty of my assumption. Anyway I worked in IIM system for so many years and contrbuted so much but at the end of the day, the experience has been really bad. Instead of looking back and mourning, the life is meaningful when it moves forward and thats what has occupied my mind at this point of time. Life should go one, come whatsoever may in life.
I think I can resurrect and do well in the next job and my resignation from IIMIndore would have something interesting on store for me in life. It may give new things and bring new success for me. Let my detractors be happy and enjoy. Its time to say good bye and good luck to IIMIndore

For the Sake of My Students

Yah, you will find me removing two posts from my blog. These two blogs were my expression of my own sufferings and pain that I am passing through while working at IIMIndore. These were personal expressions of my problems, pain and sufferring in last few months. I never intended to hurt anyone's sentiment or image. I understand my blog is a personal platform and is confined to my close people only. I didnt realize that my students are also reading the blog. I need to be careful as it should not reflect my emotions and sentimenta to my students.

So you find them missing now onwards. They are personal expressions, particualarly at a time when I was too much stressed and was under severe attack from my colleagues. But workplace problems are workplace problems and by writing them they should not affect the larger interest of the institute and my students.
May be I will write the experience somepoint of time in a book before I die because 'kal ho na ho'.

In Search of Happiness

Yah, I am always thinking about happiness these days and meaning of life and the job that i am doing. Whenever I go home, everybody adores my work and loves my development but I am farther from them. This is a place where I work and so much of enimity that I see with my colleagues.
I saw a movie called 'Dus Kahanaiyan' and I was impressed with a small story titled 'Gubbare' which starts Nana Patekar and some new actors may be Rohit Roy. The story line was so nice that it touched my heart and I again ended up asking the question of meaning of life and the work that I am doing.

Its all confusion only these days. I have started getting offers for new jobs with very fat salaries and here I am facing problems with my collegues. I dont know whether I will be ever able to solve this riddle of life.
I am told that Nalini is still behind me and her husband is trying to spoil my career by arranging some nonsense. I asked a question to people that 'if I lose what will she gain?" If One's loss is not the gain of another, then why are we hooked up in the prisoner's dillema.

Three Meetings of Life

I have met him many times in life but I will only write about three meetings with him which happenned in my life and has significant bearing on my life and shaping me as a person. Its very interesting aspect of my life that debarring the four friends Manoj, Kamal, Bivraj and Prakash, rest others have always tried to hit me in some or other context. This is apt for many people including those whom I have helped in life and career. This gentleman stands apart from all these people as I realize today.
How people hit me? there can be many examples, may be I can write twenty pages on my blog on people who have taken help from me and have ditched me at a latter stage, be it my brother, my relatives, my colleagues like nalini, each one of them in some or other form have comeback to me and tried to play foul with me. But there is no point in blaming other people, may be I lacked something for which such a thing happenned. May be a mistake at my end for that matter. and when the mistake can be partly attributed to me, its not a good point to write them and blame someone fully.

Let me comeback to the gentleman about whom I wished to pen down today. In 1987, after my graduation in Physics, I was wondering what next to study as I was not interested to study Physics further. So I applied for an MBA program in an upcoming business school and I was selected. My father went with me and he saw the institute and had doubts whether he should have put his son in such a small school. He had almsot convinced me about not joining the school and then we met the Director of the school Prof Pal. He has such uncanning power to convince people that when my father came out of his chamber, he started advising me how should I go for the course and I was amazed by the cool of this man, the way he convinced my father. Today when I look back and see myself, then I wonder I am what I am today due to his convincing power and his effort for putting me where I am. Over the years his love for me has deeper and deeper only and every milestone that I have achieved in life has made him very happy and he feels very proud of me.
Let me write down my second important meeting with him. It was in his house. In between a decade almost had passed and he was out of my school for pursuing his business. Then one day I got the chance of my life time to carry a letter with me which had his re-appointment as the Director of the school. I was really feeling so happy to have him back in life and job as Director. I became a faculty in marketing in the same institute and he was my first marketing class teacher as a student. He is like Dronacharya for me and I think myself as 'ekalabya' at this point of time. That was my second meeting with him in which I was again feeling very happy about myself that I could connect him with my school.

Then I left the school and joined IIML,K and now Indore. Everytime I have gone to him , he has spoken good about me and also has explained how he feels great with each of my achievements. Lots of people talk non-sense about him, his way of functioning, his appetite for money, but how does that matter to someone who in no way is connected in my activities of academics. I have always found him to be optimistic, smiling and with a spirit of never say die attitude. In my third meeting, he told me that everybody including the government is against him and he has the ability to face everybody because his sense of purprose and duty to good is great in him. I admire him for these qualities. He has built a big temple and took me around the temple and I was really astonished to find out how with so much of adverisaries and negetaivety around, he has been able to manage and build such a huge temple for the common man. I salute his power once again.
I always think about life, take a pause and go ahead but this man is relentless and is always in purusit of happiness. He spoke to me in the twilght hour about his philosophy and his vision in the temple and I pray lord, let him live for long years, so that he can achieve great in his life and also realize the vision. whenever he talks about his children, he comes back as a very affectionate father who does not leave any stone unturned for his children. I am envious of his kids, not because he amsed so much of wealth for them but for the fact that he is such a loving father!

He has done great things for me and I owe a lot to him at least in this life. I dont want to thank him because I beleive when you thank someone, a part of the debt goes down and if you thank the person always, then oneday you will feel that there is no debt. I wish to stay indebted to him throughout my life for what he has done for me. Yes, indebted for life. Of course there are already a debt. I read some where that there are three types of Rina (Loans) that no one can pay back in his life time like pitru rina, deba rina and guru rina and I owe two loans to him. The first is the guru runa and the second is the pitru rina, pitru rina because he is my first teacher who taught me marketing, he is like a father figure for me as he has played an immense role in ly life and career not only protecting me but also appeasing for all good things I have done in life.
Everyday and night, when I pray for the well being of my fathers, I promise to pray for this lovely, caring and godly person who unconditionally loves me and with slightest of my problems, gets panicky.

Thank you sir, you for being around.

Where is the energy gone?

Today I completed my senior management training program of Engineers India Limited. It was a good program and the program was held at Surajkund, Haryana. I was surprised by the huge size of the property in Surajkund. Its so close to Delhi and such a nice property but I could not find out many people in the hotel. Their is a good swimming pool at the center. First day I had sometime to spend around the swimming pool. I thought I could speak to myself. But lo there were few week end couples and I got a new profession. They asked me to take photographs and once I started the process, then found that every couple ran to me. They were so engrossed in their life and talk that they could not guess that they are perturbing to someone else life.
I had to handle a bundle of difficult managers who were predominantly engineers and had no idea of management and were thinking that I was talking out of the box. Interestingly, when I started heating them and liking thier bad performance then there was pin drop silence. I hardly do such kind of stuff with trainees, but this time I had to. I remember I had done this with IPS officers while training them.
Why I am writing this stuff on my personal blog. Actually I wanted to write that I am getting tired these days faster than before.Earlier I could manage a five day training program alone, but now it seems difficult. I dont why is this happenning? Is this because I am getting older and over working myself. It may be there is something unknown happenning to me and I will only know about this at the last stage of life.

I got few interesting phone calls in last few days. Out of these calls, there was a call from Manaswini from London. She is travelling back home and called me from there. Though professionally she is doing fine, she was worried about her career and she was woriied about what she has not got in life than what she has already obtained on life. I dont know what to councel her because my philosophy of life is different than hers.

The Ghost Catchers

I took a break. I dont know wheather my visitors and fellow bloggers waited for me to come back and see me writing again, but I took a break and went to my home town... you know where... nayagarh.... Infact I had started writing about Nayagrah and my childhood days and in between this officiating director stuff happenned and it derailed my thoughts. Yes, I went to my home town. Did I write about this small, sleepish and below the mountain squezzed kinda town where gossips travel faster than bullets and everybody looks at the other guy in a different way.
So i reached this town and met babu rao, one of my school mates after a really long long time. This is because when I met him last, he was not married and when I met him this time, he had two kids. I took my son to the hostel where I stayed and once dared to follow a ghost. may be I was traying to catch a ghost on that night. I had heard that there was a young ghost in the nearby forest and she often comes in full moon nights to visit the vicinity of the hostel. I was told that she also settles down near the water tank and enjoys the moonlighting ! I also enjoy moonlighting and was going for long drives on full moon nights. These dats I dont do that as I dont remember when full moon night happens. Sir and madam, I have become a donkey these years.... academic donkey and only work like a donkey. So all these finer aspects of life are gone. May be by writing this blog I am trying to pull out some of these finer points of my life which made me very popular, at least among my women fans. I took my son to show him the water tank where I saw the ghost.

I remember Jeetu, Asit Satpathy and myself were busy in young age chatting when we saw the shadow of the yound lady near the water tank. Jeetu motivated us to go closer to her. So we started to catch a ghost ! We were so stupid on those days. I was the one on the front and when I came out to the main road of the hostel, Jeetu was already gone....! If at some point of time, Jeetu's son/daughter will read this blog, they will realize how cowradice their father was! Then after some distance, Asit also stepped back and suddenly I found myself alone ina kuchha road inside a forest and fifty meters up front, the lady was still there near the water tank. I dont know how one feels when someone puts an ice cube in someone else's under garment but on that night it was really chilling!!, I ran back at a speed probably I would have won the hundred meter sprint of my college. This time I took my son there but the tank was not there. Even the density of the forest was also less and there were more buildings around. I am sure the beautiful ghost must have found out a new destination in between.
But it was a real pleasure to go back to the home town, I didnt take up the calls and didnt check emails during those days. I only stayed with my parents and grand parents and worked like a construction worker and tried to finish the first floor of my house. I visited to the market sometime in between but was searching for someone within. I was searching for a classmate of mine called Sukanti who was in chemistry honours. Though her name was Sukanti(beautiful), but there can not be any correlation between how she looks and her name. Our parents are always optimistic about ourselves. Other than the appearance part of it, she was an extremely good student and was a brilliant person in organic chemistry. In our second year of the course she introduced me to her boyfriend. A frill, dull looking boy but she told me that the boy was very supportive and always motivates her. Do boys do that ever? I dont know when I was a boy whether i have done someting similar or not, may be my friends will tell that. Seema will be able to tell that because she was the closes girl to me during my post graduation days and may be at some part of life. what I didnt like about her on those days was her short tempered behavior and tendency to withdraw after a fight. She will get angry very fast and will take up a fight, but after some time, she will withdraw herself so much that you feel like doing a crime by fighting with her! When she fought with me, I thought she was arrogant and when she withdrew, I always felt like being a sinner. Thats why I had a love and hate relationship with her at that point of time.
Manaswini is in Denmark and she read my blog and called up to say that she could read in between lines. I guess she was talking about Seema, but latter on realized that she was talking about my emotional side and not about her. What to think about her. Its awkward to beleive that I have not met her for fifteen years now (fifteen years is too long a time in life, its twenty five percent of life)and I dont know whether I will ever be able to meet her before I die. If somebody is reading my blog and could establish some contact with her, please tell her that I would like to meet her and say sorry for all the fights, confusions and sufferrings before I die, otherwise the waiting will be longer..... Let me stop here now as I run the risk of going overboard on the personal relationships.

In Memory of Seema

Yah, I thought i will give another title to this note, but finally decided to write about her as a continuation of my past memoir. She was the girl I grew up with from childhood days and yet had a very good love and hate relationship throughout my life. I can call it a 'love and hate'relationship ' because at so many points of time we have confronted with eachother with opposite ideas, groups and gangs but have always come back as good friends.

I have not met her for last fifteen years ! Long since 1993 summer. I got married in February, 1993 and then i think we went to their house few times and then suddenly something happenned due to her younger sister and i stopped visiting their house and then i assume she got married in 1994 and then i have no meeting with her. But i have her news and know that she is Zambia and also flew last time over her country to Mauritius but never ventured to meet her. in 2008 January her elder sister told me that she has come to India and after so many years I wanted to speak to her but in vein as i could not connected to her sisters home when she was around.

I think lots of things in life are pre-destined and so also my relationship with her. At some point of time she was very good friend and in the next couple of days she turned to be one of worst crtics. I have never minded her words and neither will be evr in life but it seems the confusion continues in life forever. If i could have met her sometime in last fifteen years, probably i could have clarified lots of things and tried to bring back my relationship normal with her. I know that she is mother of a son and so also i am father of a smart and intelligent boy !

i wish i could ever meet her in my life before i die and speak to her. If she happens toread my blog in this life or after my death, may be she will get some idea about my relationship with her. If i dont get a chance, may be i will clarify her in the next life.

I need to clarify her about so many people, her own sister Jhuma, my freind Sudershan Nadda, our job at Media World, My meeting with her and family in the dense forest of Similipal in that eventful night, my marriage to Julie and so many things in life.....

But I wish I could meet her some day... if I die then may be this will be one of the things that I could no do ' meeting her' and explaining things to her.

Lets pray together that i meet her at some corner of the world and spend sometime over a cup of coffee and explain the meaning if life... wish I could do that today and now... But horses dont have wings... You wanna know about her role in my life ? continue reading my blog

Those butterfly catching days

Yah, let us start from where I had left last time... I was writing about my childhood days and the school in which I studied for the first few years of my schooling. These were nice days of life. I dont remember much about those days but still whenever i think about those days, i always feel great about it. may be it brings back those emotional simplicity which i lost as i grew up. We were having lots of fun those days. I was very fond of catching butterflies and a small insect called 'gunjar poka' during the rainy season. There were red insect called 'sadhab bohu' and they walked on the new green grass behind our school field in rainy season. I dont see them any more these days as i live in a jungle of concrete. But they must be around in small innocent corner of some village of Orissa. and some little boys must be playing with them now ! where are those golden days gone !! We use to catch the gunjar poka and wind a thread around it and keep them in a small tin box. In fact i had a tin box in which i kept my books, all the prize catches and all possible mischieves together at that age.
Naughtiness came naturally to my gang and one day we decided to go in an expedition to catch the 'gunjar poka'. But we had our school bags and we need to take good care of them. I think it was the plan of the tallest one among us called 'Kabu"to hide the boxes beneath the sands which were supposed to be used for construction work in 'munu's house. So all of us were happy with the brilliant idea and escaped the school to come back in the afternoon to find that we are caught. Munu's uncle... Ramesh uncle who was supervising the consutruction work could find out the boxes ! and when we came back happily from the expedition, we could find the boxes standing like orphan children and being testimony to our misdeed. I still remember how bad we were looking on that day in front of Ramesh uncle... after some years when i went back to do my graduation and got reunited to my old friends in BSC class, I had the same sense of guilt whenever I met Ramesh uncle.
More than what we did in those days I still remember the moments that we spent with my friends. I was writing about the friends of my class and particularly the girls in my batch.. Maay be I will write about them when I get time and may be you will love to read the stroies of my teenage friends

what I remember last about myself

it is an interesting way to look at life. I was wondering what do I remember farthest from my current point of existence about myself. It is taking me to a small town called Nayagarh in Orissa. I was born in this small town. If you travel some 117 kilomemters from Bhubaneswar, then you will reach at this town which is in the foot hills of a small hill. I dont remember the name of the hill now. But it was a big hill, at least for a small child.
we use to travel in blue color Orissa Road Transport Corporation Bus (ORT Bus)in those days when we were required to go to my village. I can say 'required to go' because my mother was always reluctant to go to the village. I dont know the reasons. Now I guess she was the youngest daughter in law and there were five on top of her and she always avoided going to the village.

It was a difficult journey also as we used to get down on a small place called Bhimapara and then five killometers on a bullock cart ride through bumpy roads. I was always scared about bullock carts and had nightmares that I have fallen down from it and broken my legs. Then on the way, there will be a river and in some rainey seasons, the water level will be high and we had to wait on one side of the river to cross after the water recedes.
I dont have any memories of my grand father but people say that he was a great scholar and puran pandit (he was an expert on 24 puranas) and some say my brilliance comes from his knowledge base!! wow!!). I am told that he was a handsome man and used to put a sandalwood mark on the center of forehead. But I have good memories of my grand mother as she died when I was in my graduation class. The two years of my graduation, I had a chance to see her very often (of course, in the absense of her son as my father was working in sambalpur), but she never complained about my father being far away as she had all her sons around her. and one day she died.

I think I am moving out of my line of thought, may be some other time I will write about my parents and grand parents. I was writing about my childhood and my memory of that period. I still remember I was in class 3 and I had a teacher called Rama sir and he was a very strict teacher and he had sticks of different size and order to punish students in the class.

I remember munu, babu, rabi, dhanda (thats the name of a snake), kabu and sibu were my classmates. who were the girls in my class? I can recall seema definitely as she latter on came close to me in life, but as i remember boby was our darling in the class. she was an extremely good looking girl. what does good looking mean at that age! Yes, jeetu was there. without Jeetu lots of trilogies of life can not be penned down ! Let me take a break and write about these guys latter. Let me take a long break as i am still thinking about those days.

Let us have the begining

This blog will take me down memory lane and I plan to write my memoir in this blog. I wish to pen down y struggles, frustrtations, mistakes, crimes, sufferrngs and successes while I travel down emory lane. I dont expect people to read this blog, but if soe people do read my blog i would love to have their comments on my writing and particualrly comments on y life, whether it was worth living or not. Did my mistakes stand as common man's mistake or they are the grevious kind that can never be forgotten. The goodness that I have will come up but more than that it is the mistakes and crimes that I think I have done that I wish to pen down.

I always thought of writing my memoir but it never fructified as i was so preoccupied with my professinoal work. So i thought let me start with a blog and ay be who knows when the blog is full (will it ever be) then I will bring the in the book on my life.

What do you say? I a in the right track or sound too stupid to write down the memoirs which may be readby many unknowns, but unknwons are better than many knowns