All That You See In Front of Your Eyes

Today he is in peace with himself. Last night also he slept well. I think more than the sedative, it was the ease of breathing that made him to sleep well. I also had a good sleep. I remember getting up only 3 times last night. Once around 1230 when they gave some medicine, second time around 3 AM when they came down for some injection and around 430 when he coughed a little bit.
The morning was more serene. I could sense the smell of the watered earth. It smelled so pure, it was so natural and fresh for both of us. The sky continues to be dark and dingy. Is dingy the right word? May be there was thick cloud and it had rained heavily last night. Morning was more refreshing in nature. He had some soup in the morning and could see me standing near the window and looking at the distant sky. He must be thinking that I am around without my family and for him only and it must be making him feel dangerously selfish. I fear he should not think this way otherwise one day he will throw me out from the hospital by saying that I should only come when he is dead. It will be too much for me for the whole of life.
When he called me out, I was thinking about Google, my son who is there at Indore for a long time without me and must be missing me a lot. He asked me in a gentle soft voice as if he is caressing my hair. Thats what he used to do with me when I was a little child. To all those curious questions of life, he will call me and just touch my head and give me a blank look. His look is like the distant horizon, its very diffcult to face that look. At least my uncles are scared of that look. My aunties never got a chance to face such a situation in life.
" Are you still gazing towards the distant sky and the endless ocean? Do you have the same habit continuing? He asked
I didnt answer anything.
"Your mother also used to do that way". This was shocking because he has always avoided any discussion about my mother and his daughter.
'Do you know these little stars that you watch in the night? They come from million years of distance and who knows by tha time, they come to your eyes and you see them, they must be dead. many a times what looks as real is not real! The star must have been dead some years before and its light reaching you after their death"
I dont know also why he said this to me. Is he senstive to death these days? I dont know.
He continued his conversation by adding about the sea this time.
"Why do you spend so much time watching the sea?"
I still have no answer.
"You know, the sea is also another illusion. The spread looks like a blue carpet for you and you assume that it has water in it. But they are not water, they are just salt, mere salt. you can not survive with salt alone. Memories are like this salt, they are so sticky that they hold you up for long time but one can not leave with these salt alone. You should never get illusioned with these hard facts of life. Sea is a spread of emotion for you. It always tries to bring a feeling of nostalgia with you but you can not survive with nostalgia."
I was silent and still silent like the water of the Blue River. I was not thinking about anything at that point of time. I was not ready to take any conversation with him. Just wanted to listen to him, like ghazals of Ghulam Alli. He was speaking effortlessly after such a long time.
"Why you are not saying anything?" he asked me.
I have ever said anything to him in life. Everything was spoken to grand mother. She was the lady who called all the shots. But I have always listened to him, his words, his conviction, his ideals, his struggle and what not. But I have ever asked anything to him.
There was an absolute silence between both of us. The silence was like a virus which was killing the lapse of time between both of us. I was flowing miles and miles in an empty boat alone like Tom Hanks in the movie 'Cast Away' and there was no sign of anyland. He was the boat in which I have travelled my life and in last few days that boat was sinking. It was sinking without giving any sign of leakage.
where am I going to land up when he is not around? How I am going to see the light house to reach the destination of my life? How far am I going to move from here?
I have no answer. It was absolute silence that ruled the room. Only after the doctor came, I had some respite and the blood pressure machine and the sound of the elctro cardiogram machine broke the silence between both of us. May be we must have travelled miles and miles in those fifteen minutes of silence.
I dont know how long I will continue to see the sky and watch the sea when I have a chance?