The Story of the Black Bag and My Reunion with Her

I think it was my second year of graduation when I was into student politics and some of my friends were bidding for positions. My friend Mangu (where he is these days) had lost election in the previous year and he was banking on me for the same. I forgot to mention that in my third year I had won the literary champion award by winning majority of competitions in the college. It was silver jubilee celebration of the college and I was new to the campus. I think everybody was banking on Monalisa Mishra to win the award as I was no body in the college and I was from science discipline. She was also from the science discipline but her father is a well known poet of Orissa and she has won many prizes before that year for the college. I was an absolute shocker in the college and I took away all the prizes from nowhere. I enjoyed very high level of reputation and goodwill among students due to these achievements. I remember I had a black bag and all the functions I would collect the prizes in that black bag. It was a lucky mascot for me during those days and often people find me with the black bag.
In the second year of my course, I was fairly popular chap on the campus as I blended poetry with Physics and debating with short story writing. I could catch up with my old school pals like Muna, Rabi and others with new set of friends like Pramod, Dushashan. I was also in the company of few of my classmate girls as our gang members. She was out and out of the gang from me. Her elder sister was in my senior class and I had quite some acquaintance with her. I continue to be in touch with big sister and always plan to meet her sometime, but it has never happened in the past. I was also not much interested in her during those days as I was preoccupied with studies, competitions and literary pursuit. In the second year of the studies came the election time and I once visited her house. I could get a chance to talk to her freely.
As a child she used to have curly hair; that’s the faint memory of her that I could remember. We often made paper rockets and pushed them in her hair without her knowledge. Those were golden days of life when we didn’t know how life was going to take a turn in future. By the time I came to see her in the fourth year of my college study, she has become a grown up girl and had long, straight hair, they were longer enough to be tied than be left open for us to again push paper rockets in it. She talked politely in that dim light amongst all elders. I can call that meeting as our first meeting as grownups. There was no pleasure of meeting her or getting any special feeling about her.
On those days as I was arrogantly engrossed in the self glory of being a champion of the college. So no matter how emotional a woman would look or behave like, there was a poor chance that I would get attracted towards any women. How rude and misbehaving I was at that point of time?
Did I suffer in life for that feeling ever?
Yes, many times and I think that I have lost things in life because of this arrogance. Life has become a lesson of loss and suffering. due I don’t know whether what I am writing is good or bad but these are honest confessions. Could have managed things better, had I not been so engrossed with my success. This is because when failure comes following success, it’s difficult to absorb that feeling, but many times, you learn lessons by burning your fingers.
Samjhte the………………par humne jalaali ungliyan apni…
I will write about our next meeting as good friends sometime in future as I have some failures that happened in between to write down before I again talk about her. Yes, what is left out with me is her curly hair, deer eyes (heeran ki aankh) and smell of Fair and Lovely cream.
Chhodo…. People have started asking me where I am and whats happening in my life? Nothing boss, where I was, I continue to be there but yes some big things are going to happen in few days time and it means really big thing in life. Challo…. I will keep you posted. You have cried so much with me and suffered so much reading my helplessness and problems of life. I think you deserve a break from all this and should read something different and pleasurable of my life. Writing about her is the beginning of the journey down memory lane and then trying to recapture where I had left some long time ago. Just pray God for me, so that I am able to see her before I die and say sorry for all the misconceptions, problems and confusions of life. I would like to say sorry to many of my friends on this platform, allow me to make my emotions flow like a river and it should not get chocked at some place to become a lake. If it flows like that, then we can only call it a river….. so life is like a river…

Now the song of my choice for you guys........................................................
Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi

Bechaara kahan jaanta tha
Khalish hai yeh kya khala hai
Shehar bhar ki khushi se
Yeh dard mera bhala hai
Jashna yeh raaz na aaye
Mazaa toh bas gam main aaya hai

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Kabhi hai ishq ka ujaala
Kabhi hai maut ka andhera
Bataao kaun bes hoga
Main jogi banu ya lutera
Kayi chehre hai is dil ke
Najaane kaunsa mera

Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Hazaaron aaise phaasle the
Jo Tai karne chale the
raahe magar chal padi thi
Aur peeche hum rah gaye the
kadam Do chaar chal paaye
Kiye phere tere mann ke

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

My Fair and Lovely Lady

What was the time of the year? I don’t remember, but must be summer of 87 when we met again. Once we met then the story changed forever. It was a meeting after a long gap. It has always been like that in life. We always meet after long gaps. So before death when I will look back how many times we met in our life, may be it will have very intense meetings and then long gaps of years, months and decades. We were in the same class till class five and then I moved out to a different city, different place and different school. She stayed back at the same place and continued her studies. I met again after a gap of four years. This time I was visiting the town to play some interschool completion; it was kho kho or football. I think it was football because after a friendly match in the night, I had broken my toes and could not continue the game further. I went to meet her parents after a gap of few years and still had the childish carry over. I think boys in that age grow slower compared to girls. Biologically girls grow up faster than boys during those days. I had no intention to see how she is doing but there was a desire to meet her and see what she is doing and how she is doing in her studies. I had food in their house and came back around 10 PM and then had just a small chat with her about studies. There were other guys who were with me, so we could not take up a fruitful conversation about our life, studies and career. Life took me to two more cities before I again met her. I didn’t meet her at first. I met her sister first. I cant call her as ‘her sister’ as I also respect as my sister and feel that in some other life, she was my sister or even mother. Her sister was in a class just one year senior to me and also in the science stream. So it was easy for me to meet her sister as we were almost nearby departments. Her father will always drive down to the college in a green fiat car. Her father had one of those earlier fiat cars in the whole town. She was in Psychology department, which was just above my department i.e. Physics department. We hardly met in those two years of our graduation and whenever we met, it was a formal meeting and not much talking in that way. Post the examinations, we had lot of spare time when we will take up playing games like carom. Her father was a very good player of carom and in one team he will team up with her and in the other team I will join her sister. It was always me winning the game and she never complained about losing the game to me. She has curly hair as a child but when she grew up, she had surprisingly straightened her hair. I never marked this change till now. When I started going back to my memories, I could guess how I could not capture this subtle change in her. She had beautiful eyes and that’s all. In my imagination I always appreciated her feminist outlooks than physical appearance. We became truly friendly when both of joined in the same business school. Same business schools but with two different outlook. I was from a basic science background and she was there from psychology background, but in the same class. We use to travel back to our home town together on holidays or weekends. While we will be travelling together and will be paying five rupees each but it was always each paying their fare. She was very sensitive to these issues though she is from a rich family and could have said okay with either me giving the fare or she doing it. But I don’t remember that it ever happened when we have paid money for each other. While travelling together and being there in the same seat brought us together and I could feel a distinctive smell from her body and latter on I realized that it was the fragrance of Fair and Lovely brand. I have never used this brand, but sometime back when I found out someone else using the Fair and Lovely at home, I ran to find the smell and realized that she used to have this brand always. She was my Fair and Lovely lady for life……

The Song of Loneliness

Hate, anger, frustration,
How does one survive?
Confusion, distraught, depression.
Why even be alive?

Screaming, running, sobbing,
Everyone is swarming.
Yelling, crying, dying.
Does someone really care?

I sit alone now, all by
Myself with no one else.
They've all left again for good,
And I am once again alone.

I only have friends when
They need a place to hide.
Does that make them love me?
"My basement's always open. . ."

I sit alone again and cry,
For the friends I wish I had,
But will never see.
All I get are words, in threes.

They speak to me softly,
Worry in their faces.
Do they care? Or is
Their worry worthless?

It hurts at the end,
As we all know, but
After that we don't
Know how to go.

Dante once said that sinners go
Where it is dark and dank,
And in the hot below,
Down where Hades rules.

But do we know
Where people go
After their loneliness
Has got to them.

Why stay here where it's sad,
When you can live happy,
No longer alone,
No longer afraid.

The Fate of the Old Couple

‘Where life is planning to take you these days?’
‘I don’t know, I have not planned anything. I planned everything for so long and now I don’t wish to plan anything. I will follow my heart, wherever it wanted to take me, I will just follow’
‘You seem like leaving yourself to destiny and becoming destiny’s child? Of course, you were always a destiny’s child. You have made it by yourself-he said
I don’t know what he meant by this? Does he mean anything at all or said something like that. When he spoke this to me, he was looking at the painting on the wall.
You must have thought something to do, may be after I die or after I get well for some days. Why you are not speaking up to me? Have you shared this with your wife or doing everything on your own?
What answer will I give to him? Life has never been so easy like before. I nurtured my career so much over last ten-fifteen years and threw it at the slightest hesitation when it became unbearable for me. I never looked back about the left outs. I never thought how meaningful the books will be which I have read over years or case notes prepared or books wrote by burning me overnight. Never thought them when I was in the game! Now of course when I am alone these thoughts hunt me and I close my eyes without an answer. Its asking a question about death knowing that you will be dead one day. I take all these as mid career crisis and one day all these stray thoughts will go away from my mind. Now they are haunting me particularly when I am alone and am thinking about the past.
It’s still raining outside but the amount of rain has gone down these days. Its puja time and people should have some share of happiness after such devastating rain in last two months. The green leaves are signing in the hot sun and the flowers are like smiles of my son when he sees me after a long gap. He is going to see me after a long gap, may be a month now when they are back home. Whenever he meets me after sometime, he just gives me a smile and it changes my world. Many times I think I have lost the meaning of my life and just living for him only. I wish to see him successful and well settled. May be many parents think in that way and its natural on my part to think similar to them. Now days he is living in loneliness as I am not around. He reacts a lot also as I am not there to pacify him on my weekly one to one meeting. This time around I was not there for parent teacher meeting, but he didn’t complain much as he knows I cannot be there.
When the life will be normal? I don’t know an answer to this question as I have no answer to the question. Will God forgive these people who created a distance between my son and me- I don’t know the answer also. There are many questions to which I am not seeking any answer these days. When people speak ill about me in the past, I use to get angry and now it seems I have started accepting things as they come. Is it making me more matured or taking away softer aspects of life? I don’t know. How many times I have written “I don’t know”. You will get bored with my lines now.
Do you know something interesting happening these days? He broke my thought process.
What is that he is going to talk to me now?
“It’s about someone close to our family. The old man is of my age and his wife is still alive like your maternal grandmother. He is also a freedom fighter like me and survives with pension. He has two sons and three daughters. The sons are so nasty that they want a share on the pension money of this man. When they wanted a property distribution, the elder son started abusing parents. They have the statue of a devi whom they are worshipping for last fifty years ! None of the sons are ready to keep the Goddess and what they want is a share of the property. They have left the home and with the Goddess moving in the street...literally in the street and searching for a shelter at the age of 93 and 88! God bless them as they wish to see every rising sun and still have hope of living for another day. I know they are nice souls and see what their sons are doing at this age! Life shows so many sounds and colours that you feel like dyeing next day and wishing not to come back again. Everybody has to pass through the old age and so also his sons are going to pass through the age.... but how they can behave like this?” his voice was choked with emotions. He has told me this incident five to six times in last few days and it means that it is hitting him somewhere very hard and he can’t digest the stuff. He is like this always, crying for others and am sure given a chance he would have ran now to pick up the old couple and given shelter to them in his house.
I was not interested to continue the conversation for long as I knew it will make him feel let down. I also wanted not to talk because it may bring out emotions of myself and problems of my loneliness to his front which will make him more weak. I wish to stop here. I wanted to write about my interaction with one more young patient in the hospital but the old couple thought blocked that for the time being. May be next time I will write about it. I heard a song whose lines are like this
Maine dekhi hai in aankho ki mehkti khusbu
Inhe chhukar riston kaa iljam naa do
Sirf ehsas hair uh se mehsus karo
Pyaar ko pyaar hi rehne do koi naam naa do........
What movie? Which actress and actor? I don’t know. Somebody was murmuring this song in the corridor and I liked the lines...... may be next thing will be on these lines

Hello Again

Hello again, hello
Just called to say 'hello'
I couldn't sleep at all tonight
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait.
Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you every night
When I'm here alone
And you're there at home
Hello
Maybe it's been crazy
And maybe I'm to blame
But I put my heart above my head
We've been through it all
And you loved me just the same
And when you're not there
I just need to hear.

Hello, my friend, hello
It's good to need you so
It's good to love you like I do
And to feel this way
When I hear you say Hello
Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you every night
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait
Hello Again Hello
(who wrote for whom
if you know
just let me know
There is only one in this world
who can answer this question right!)

What If We are not Together

What if we are not together
For all these moments and years
What if we have parted ways
We have loved forever.

What if we are like the banks of river
We run parallel though never met ever
We sing the song of a balloon
That never blows to heaven
But gives the love of thousand moon.

What if the clouds stopped singing
The birds stopped chirping
The violin gone silent
Time has stopped for a moment,
We have loved forever

What if you are not around
The silence is your solace
Its putting me into the ground
The long queue of emotions
The lost shadows motions
All have made a pact
To make me lonely and sad.

What if I have loved you alone
And you have played just the tune
You slept in the bed of my dreams
Like the snake that wish to embrace
Like the empty river bed I looked in
Like the lonely traveller of the night
The start filled sky that I sneaked in.

What if you have never loved me
And I have loved you forever
In the name of the love you shine
In each of your shine I play and dine
In each moment of your escape
I catch myself within empty shrine.

What if we have not loved forever
I have loved you forever.

It’s Raining Whole Night

‘Did anybody come yesterday?
Whom do you expect to come in this rain? I asked.
He smiled and said, “What does this mean? If it rains, one should not come to meet people who are in distress!”
“Who is in distress, you?
“No, not me but you! You are in distress. That’s why you go to that window and stand there for long hours. What do you think? I am sleeping always and can one sleep by just closing the eyes? It’s possible that one may close the eyes but all his senses must be working. The whole world thinks that you are sleeping, but you could see the fun of how others react to you when you have closed your eyes.”
I don’t know whether he has this childish mindset to close his eyes and then see how others are reacting; what topics are they discussing; what plans are they making for the funeral. I am now more scared of him and his behavior. He is going beyond my comprehension these days. His first question itself was puzzling. Whether anybody came to meet him or not? Whom does he expect to come and meet him? All my uncles have come and visited him in between. All my aunties have sobbed for his greatness. All my uncles got married to the girls of his choice and he picked up his daughter in laws with lot of efforts and from small families. They are always obliged to my grandfather for his greatness in bringing them to the house which otherwise they would not have got married into in normal circumstances. He also never treated anyone one of them different from his own daughters. He is a great man and is always biased for one person i.e. myself. Beyond me, he has kept his equity in decision making. But when it is about me, he is biased for obvious reasons. Those who know about my life and how I grew up, they know the reason why he is so biased to me. Let us not talk about his biased behavior towards me at this point of time. It all started when we talked about rain last night.
He expected some people to come and meet him while it was raining whole night. It is difficult to go out of the hospital also. The whole street is chocked with water. Nayagarh is a hilly town, just the base of two small hillocks and from there onwards, one can see the hills starting and you have entrance to the western ghat extensions of Orissa. It rained so much that all nullahs and drains got chocked and were over flowing. They brought all the stinking stuff to the street and it is like hell now. One of the nurses told me that the water reservoir that supplies water to the town is also overflowing and people are getting fishes on the street (those which have jumped out of the pond. All the shops were closed and large part of the city was blacked out. Last night also I could see the whole city looking like a ghost town. And he expects someone to come and meet him.
Only ghosts can come and meet him. I don’t wish ghosts to come and meet him.
He broke the silence. “You know, when your uncles were falling sick, I had hardly cared for the rain, snakes or water blockages. When you start from the village, near the palace of the king, you will always find a big banyan tree. In some dark nights, when the wind is blowing very fast and whistles through the jungles nearby, the braches create cracking sound and people fear that ghosts are around. I have never cared for that. Even sometimes the witches will be out on the street in the dark nights and your grandma will always tell me not to venture out. But my children need medical attention. Which father will bear the pain of his children, particularly when he has lost four kids before? I never cared for the night and its darkness. I believed there is some truth and darkness is like a cover over the truth. Farther you are from it, scarier it is. Closer you go; darkness runs away like a little child scared of an unknown person. So I have never cared for darkness. Snakes also are another danger for us. I think other than the human being; it’s a snake that can bite you for no reason. Being so close to the forest area, I have seen bigger snakes; snakes that can eat a buffalo also. Why one should be scared of someone in life. If you wish to meet someone, how much do this darkness, snakes, water and rain block you? You should have zeal to meet people and ask about their whereabouts”
I could sense some level of emotion in his voice for the first time. He was missing someone and was expecting the person to come and meet him. It was suddenly a power cut again and sisters came running into the room as the silence in the room was disturbed by blipping machine sound. Sisters brought with them the smell of their sweat and some cheap perfume. They also looked tired as they had to put more effort in previous night to monitor the patients due to frequent power failures.
I came back to my usual position and opened the window. The naughty wind blowing outside threw small rain drops on my face. I was not ready for such a sensation and moved away from the window. The whole sky was full of clouds. Damn dark clouds that may bring more incessant rain again. It’s already flood situation in Orissa and many of the rivers including Kusumi have crossed their banks. One of the uncles was saying that this year the sugarcane crop is going for a toss. I don’t know what time it was when I looked back to him. He was sleeping like a small child with the pillow looking like his doll. The wires and tubes are the binding ropes that have made him to stick to this world. Through the deemed light spread across the room, I was wondering how many days more both of us will be there together. I am not in a hurry to close this chapter. I wish him to continue his conversations with me; I wish him to continue sleeping like a small child for ever and with childlike innocence, expect someone to drop in. I know lot to be done now. I need to decide about my job. I need to work out Google’s school and need to relocate to some city and plan a life of my own. But all these can wait for some months or a year so as I wish to be with him in this wee hour of life when there is no light for miles and miles of hopelessness.
I wish time to stand still and wait for things to happen. I wish if I could become God and reverse lot of things in life forever. I wish….. If wishes are horses, they would have got wings too….