Hello Again

Hello again, hello
Just called to say 'hello'
I couldn't sleep at all tonight
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait.
Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you every night
When I'm here alone
And you're there at home
Hello
Maybe it's been crazy
And maybe I'm to blame
But I put my heart above my head
We've been through it all
And you loved me just the same
And when you're not there
I just need to hear.

Hello, my friend, hello
It's good to need you so
It's good to love you like I do
And to feel this way
When I hear you say Hello
Hello, my friend, hello
Just called to let you know
I think about you every night
And I know it's late
But I couldn't wait
Hello Again Hello
(who wrote for whom
if you know
just let me know
There is only one in this world
who can answer this question right!)

What If We are not Together

What if we are not together
For all these moments and years
What if we have parted ways
We have loved forever.

What if we are like the banks of river
We run parallel though never met ever
We sing the song of a balloon
That never blows to heaven
But gives the love of thousand moon.

What if the clouds stopped singing
The birds stopped chirping
The violin gone silent
Time has stopped for a moment,
We have loved forever

What if you are not around
The silence is your solace
Its putting me into the ground
The long queue of emotions
The lost shadows motions
All have made a pact
To make me lonely and sad.

What if I have loved you alone
And you have played just the tune
You slept in the bed of my dreams
Like the snake that wish to embrace
Like the empty river bed I looked in
Like the lonely traveller of the night
The start filled sky that I sneaked in.

What if you have never loved me
And I have loved you forever
In the name of the love you shine
In each of your shine I play and dine
In each moment of your escape
I catch myself within empty shrine.

What if we have not loved forever
I have loved you forever.

It’s Raining Whole Night

‘Did anybody come yesterday?
Whom do you expect to come in this rain? I asked.
He smiled and said, “What does this mean? If it rains, one should not come to meet people who are in distress!”
“Who is in distress, you?
“No, not me but you! You are in distress. That’s why you go to that window and stand there for long hours. What do you think? I am sleeping always and can one sleep by just closing the eyes? It’s possible that one may close the eyes but all his senses must be working. The whole world thinks that you are sleeping, but you could see the fun of how others react to you when you have closed your eyes.”
I don’t know whether he has this childish mindset to close his eyes and then see how others are reacting; what topics are they discussing; what plans are they making for the funeral. I am now more scared of him and his behavior. He is going beyond my comprehension these days. His first question itself was puzzling. Whether anybody came to meet him or not? Whom does he expect to come and meet him? All my uncles have come and visited him in between. All my aunties have sobbed for his greatness. All my uncles got married to the girls of his choice and he picked up his daughter in laws with lot of efforts and from small families. They are always obliged to my grandfather for his greatness in bringing them to the house which otherwise they would not have got married into in normal circumstances. He also never treated anyone one of them different from his own daughters. He is a great man and is always biased for one person i.e. myself. Beyond me, he has kept his equity in decision making. But when it is about me, he is biased for obvious reasons. Those who know about my life and how I grew up, they know the reason why he is so biased to me. Let us not talk about his biased behavior towards me at this point of time. It all started when we talked about rain last night.
He expected some people to come and meet him while it was raining whole night. It is difficult to go out of the hospital also. The whole street is chocked with water. Nayagarh is a hilly town, just the base of two small hillocks and from there onwards, one can see the hills starting and you have entrance to the western ghat extensions of Orissa. It rained so much that all nullahs and drains got chocked and were over flowing. They brought all the stinking stuff to the street and it is like hell now. One of the nurses told me that the water reservoir that supplies water to the town is also overflowing and people are getting fishes on the street (those which have jumped out of the pond. All the shops were closed and large part of the city was blacked out. Last night also I could see the whole city looking like a ghost town. And he expects someone to come and meet him.
Only ghosts can come and meet him. I don’t wish ghosts to come and meet him.
He broke the silence. “You know, when your uncles were falling sick, I had hardly cared for the rain, snakes or water blockages. When you start from the village, near the palace of the king, you will always find a big banyan tree. In some dark nights, when the wind is blowing very fast and whistles through the jungles nearby, the braches create cracking sound and people fear that ghosts are around. I have never cared for that. Even sometimes the witches will be out on the street in the dark nights and your grandma will always tell me not to venture out. But my children need medical attention. Which father will bear the pain of his children, particularly when he has lost four kids before? I never cared for the night and its darkness. I believed there is some truth and darkness is like a cover over the truth. Farther you are from it, scarier it is. Closer you go; darkness runs away like a little child scared of an unknown person. So I have never cared for darkness. Snakes also are another danger for us. I think other than the human being; it’s a snake that can bite you for no reason. Being so close to the forest area, I have seen bigger snakes; snakes that can eat a buffalo also. Why one should be scared of someone in life. If you wish to meet someone, how much do this darkness, snakes, water and rain block you? You should have zeal to meet people and ask about their whereabouts”
I could sense some level of emotion in his voice for the first time. He was missing someone and was expecting the person to come and meet him. It was suddenly a power cut again and sisters came running into the room as the silence in the room was disturbed by blipping machine sound. Sisters brought with them the smell of their sweat and some cheap perfume. They also looked tired as they had to put more effort in previous night to monitor the patients due to frequent power failures.
I came back to my usual position and opened the window. The naughty wind blowing outside threw small rain drops on my face. I was not ready for such a sensation and moved away from the window. The whole sky was full of clouds. Damn dark clouds that may bring more incessant rain again. It’s already flood situation in Orissa and many of the rivers including Kusumi have crossed their banks. One of the uncles was saying that this year the sugarcane crop is going for a toss. I don’t know what time it was when I looked back to him. He was sleeping like a small child with the pillow looking like his doll. The wires and tubes are the binding ropes that have made him to stick to this world. Through the deemed light spread across the room, I was wondering how many days more both of us will be there together. I am not in a hurry to close this chapter. I wish him to continue his conversations with me; I wish him to continue sleeping like a small child for ever and with childlike innocence, expect someone to drop in. I know lot to be done now. I need to decide about my job. I need to work out Google’s school and need to relocate to some city and plan a life of my own. But all these can wait for some months or a year so as I wish to be with him in this wee hour of life when there is no light for miles and miles of hopelessness.
I wish time to stand still and wait for things to happen. I wish if I could become God and reverse lot of things in life forever. I wish….. If wishes are horses, they would have got wings too….

In the Spring of My Adulthood

“So, what are you doing? Why are you always looking at the sky through the window? Are you thinking something or missing someone in life? Are you thinking about me/ Don’t think so much as I had had my time and everything should come to an end someday, so also my life. What is left out is your impressions, feelings and ideas on your life” He told me this
I was not interested on the last part of his speech. I was not at all!
He coughed a bit and then continued his talk. His voice sounded mystique and took me to some other place. He was speaking from my back. His voice was hitting me hard and straight. There was no respite from his talk and sound of the air conditioners in the hospital. He continued.
“Life is like a big race where everybody can run according to their own style. You will have marathon runners, sprinters, long jumpers, and all other forms of people running together and all of them have a common goal- to fulfil their personal legend, personal choices and goals. At the beginning of the race, all of us are together, sharing same level of enthusiasm. But as the race develops, the initial happiness gives way to the real challenges. It also brings with it fatigue, boredom, monotony, doubts and confidence on own abilities.
There are some people who give up the challenge-they are still in the race, but they don’t compete. This is because they don’t want to. They are there because they cannot stop in the middle of the road; there are many of them. You will find them pedalling near to the police car; talking to one another and fulfil their own desires and duties. Those who are in the competition end up distancing ourselves from the others who are ‘also runs’. We are obliged to face loneliness, surprise at unknown bends in the road, we have problems with our muscles and after sometime we wonder whether it was worth being in the race. But he told me that it is worth being in the race and one should not just give up.”
Silence rules both of us these days. These pauses are very long and killing. They are like mist in a mountain highway. It may confuse you many times. I wished to ask a question which for obvious reasons I didn’t ask. He will perceive me that I am with self doubts. Many people feel that way that I am full of self doubts and what guided me so far in last fifteen years is getting questioned by myself.
It reminds me a funny scene in a race. The guys who were running in the race as ‘also rans’ combined together and made a human chain to knock down the prospective winner. Many of these ‘also rans’ sometimes, while walking along, knock down the potential winners. I didn’t ask those questions to him because I don’t want to confuse anybody, nor you or me or my grandfather.
He took up a conversation again with me around 9 AM, after the nurses gave him some injections. He never complained when they pushed the needle. My grandmother is of the opinion that he was always scared of injections. That’s the reason for which for many of his problems which needs medical attention, he avoided them throughout the life and yet could have such a healthy living.
“Why are you panicky today? Has the doctor said something to you?” he asked me somewhere in between ten and eleven.
“Nothing” was my answer to him.
You know, every day that I spend in this world is a blessing for me. You should also think in the same way. So you will start enjoying your life. One should enjoy all the grace God has given for the day. Grace cannot be saved for another day, another year and then use them at some other point of time. If one does not use those blessings, then he may lose it forever. God has made all of us as artistes. One day he gives us a paint brush and a canvass to paint, another day a chisel for sculpting and a pen to write for another day. We are the artists of our own life and destiny. Can we use the chisel for writing or the brush for sculpting? We can’t do this though we have all of them. So every day is like a miracle for us. One should accept today’s blessings to create the life with what I have. If you do with detachment and without a feeling of guilt, God will be kind to give me a tomorrow with more opportunities.
I started believing this and felt very happy. When I came out of the room the sun was very warm. Humidity level is very high due to the rain last night. There was a rainbow in the distant sky. The breeze was so gentle that it could touch my skin and make me feel happy. I started feeling as if the sun is not there as if I am entering into the season of springs in my life and there is a distant frail looking image taking me to the sprint of my adulthood. I think I am slowly maturing to a better person!

Experimenting with Frogs

I think I am becoming to sensitive to his health and writing too much about his health than his thoughts at this moment. Someone called me up and told me that I am going too personal on the blog. Am I? May be, but I never expected many people to come and read these stuff as they are my own personal expressions. Since I dont do much of writing these days, it gives lot of comfort for me to pen down my thoughts on the blog. When I write them down, my feeling and anger comes down and hence I feel at ease and comfort. One should not treat my writing as anything maligned or against anyone. Blogosphere is a world where one has freedom of expression and can pen down all his thoughts. So nothing to feel offended if I have brought names to the blog. These are my personal views and they may be biased also.
OK, todays lesson for me is based over some discussion I had with him last night before he went to sleep. He told me that all of are like frogs. He referred about some newspaper clipping he had read sometime back. He doesnt remember when he read this. I also didnt insist to know what source was it which made him to compare us with frogs.
It was somewhere in a lab in which they put frogs in water and after sometime they started heating the water. As the water became warmer, the frog enjoyed it and at somepoint of time, when the water was at boiling hot temperature, the frog could not come out of the water; there was no reaction and it died inside the water. Quite contrary to this when they put a frog in boiling water, it immediately jumped out of water (of course with few borns), but it could save itself.
Many a times, we also behave like the frog in the water. We try to make our own living so comfortable with our passion, beleifs and assumptions that we forget sometime about the time when the water will boil and we will not be able to come out of it. He is of the opinion that many people are successful in life when they could realize the boiling of water and at the slightest instance will jump out of the water, thuse saving their life. So its important in life to know about the water temperature, its slow process of boiling and the opportunity when one should jump out of the water. If you fail, then you will be dead.
He told me few more stories also, but I was feeling asleep due to tiredness and also its raining heavily. They are saying it may be flood again in Orissa as some of the major rivers have swollen to the height and water levels may cross the danger mark anytime. But I have hardly anytime to read a newspaper or look at the sky and think about anything beyond him. Orissa is always like this, sometime it rains heavily leading to flood and some years its draught and sometime cyclones and I dont know when the destiny of my people will change and Orissa will become a land of happiness and success. I dont know. I just pray that day comes during my life time and I see my place and people being happy.
Let everybody be happy in life. Let all anger, pain, sufferring vanish from this world.

All That You See In Front of Your Eyes

Today he is in peace with himself. Last night also he slept well. I think more than the sedative, it was the ease of breathing that made him to sleep well. I also had a good sleep. I remember getting up only 3 times last night. Once around 1230 when they gave some medicine, second time around 3 AM when they came down for some injection and around 430 when he coughed a little bit.
The morning was more serene. I could sense the smell of the watered earth. It smelled so pure, it was so natural and fresh for both of us. The sky continues to be dark and dingy. Is dingy the right word? May be there was thick cloud and it had rained heavily last night. Morning was more refreshing in nature. He had some soup in the morning and could see me standing near the window and looking at the distant sky. He must be thinking that I am around without my family and for him only and it must be making him feel dangerously selfish. I fear he should not think this way otherwise one day he will throw me out from the hospital by saying that I should only come when he is dead. It will be too much for me for the whole of life.
When he called me out, I was thinking about Google, my son who is there at Indore for a long time without me and must be missing me a lot. He asked me in a gentle soft voice as if he is caressing my hair. Thats what he used to do with me when I was a little child. To all those curious questions of life, he will call me and just touch my head and give me a blank look. His look is like the distant horizon, its very diffcult to face that look. At least my uncles are scared of that look. My aunties never got a chance to face such a situation in life.
" Are you still gazing towards the distant sky and the endless ocean? Do you have the same habit continuing? He asked
I didnt answer anything.
"Your mother also used to do that way". This was shocking because he has always avoided any discussion about my mother and his daughter.
'Do you know these little stars that you watch in the night? They come from million years of distance and who knows by tha time, they come to your eyes and you see them, they must be dead. many a times what looks as real is not real! The star must have been dead some years before and its light reaching you after their death"
I dont know also why he said this to me. Is he senstive to death these days? I dont know.
He continued his conversation by adding about the sea this time.
"Why do you spend so much time watching the sea?"
I still have no answer.
"You know, the sea is also another illusion. The spread looks like a blue carpet for you and you assume that it has water in it. But they are not water, they are just salt, mere salt. you can not survive with salt alone. Memories are like this salt, they are so sticky that they hold you up for long time but one can not leave with these salt alone. You should never get illusioned with these hard facts of life. Sea is a spread of emotion for you. It always tries to bring a feeling of nostalgia with you but you can not survive with nostalgia."
I was silent and still silent like the water of the Blue River. I was not thinking about anything at that point of time. I was not ready to take any conversation with him. Just wanted to listen to him, like ghazals of Ghulam Alli. He was speaking effortlessly after such a long time.
"Why you are not saying anything?" he asked me.
I have ever said anything to him in life. Everything was spoken to grand mother. She was the lady who called all the shots. But I have always listened to him, his words, his conviction, his ideals, his struggle and what not. But I have ever asked anything to him.
There was an absolute silence between both of us. The silence was like a virus which was killing the lapse of time between both of us. I was flowing miles and miles in an empty boat alone like Tom Hanks in the movie 'Cast Away' and there was no sign of anyland. He was the boat in which I have travelled my life and in last few days that boat was sinking. It was sinking without giving any sign of leakage.
where am I going to land up when he is not around? How I am going to see the light house to reach the destination of my life? How far am I going to move from here?
I have no answer. It was absolute silence that ruled the room. Only after the doctor came, I had some respite and the blood pressure machine and the sound of the elctro cardiogram machine broke the silence between both of us. May be we must have travelled miles and miles in those fifteen minutes of silence.
I dont know how long I will continue to see the sky and watch the sea when I have a chance?

Its Time to Sing the Song Alisha !

Alisha is my addition only. I came to know about Alisha sometime back through Harish Bijoor and his writings. He wrote a piece in one of my book, " Come Alsiha, its time to dance" . Hairsh and me are good friends and we know each other for almost six years now. He is a great brand guru and gives talks on branding where ever he goes and writes columns in the newspaper also. I had once invited him to IIMIndore also.
But now why did I write about Alisha and time to sing a song is directly has no bearing to my friends. It has something to do with my grand father. i think I spoke about my grand father in detail to Manaswini in recent past. Now he is at the last leg of life. A life full of activities, action, adventure and fun! thats what he tells me. As a little child, he lost his mother quite early. People say that his step brother who was almost 15-20 years senior to him poisoned his mother. Anyway this is only dramatic. The adventure has to follow then on. He grew up in an era when freedom fighters were the celebrated heroes and he joined the bandwagon leaving a young wife and little children on the back. he was in the jail as he fought against the British as well as the king of Nayagarh as the head of Prajamandal Movement. India got independence but the new India forgot him and he came out of the jail at a latter stage.
His next innings was more with social work and cooperative movement in the area. he was awarded several times by central and state government and he is the guy who made cheese cake of nayagarh very popular throughout the state. He developed a so called supply chain network by using state road transport corporation buses and made the cheeses cake available throughout the state. There was no information technology at that time, but he could develop a system by which people at 500 kms distance can get fresh cheese cakes of the previous night available to them.
Often in the evening of life, he would come and be nostalgic about his past. So also each one of us will do that when we grow old. he talked about inclusive growth. I had a chance to travel with him to some of the villages that he had adopted and could be suprised to see that there are villages where all the houses are pucca houses. On enquiry, he will tell me how he changed the engagement of the people from daily wage earners into people who started with handloom and ended with powerloom business. There are clusters of powerlooms and all these people are extremely rich. He told me when they needed bank finance, my grand father had given his property as mortgage.

He is not keeping well and I am with him these days. I was also disturbed due do some uncalled for developments at IIMIndore and then my decision to leave that place. My family was disturbed because i decided to quit in a very short notice. I have never put my own problems known to my family members. while I was passing through these difficulties my grandpa fell sick and I had to travel to my home town. But now I am at peace within myself and also i am enjoying my stay with him. Job, career and recognition has taken a back seat at this point of time. During these days of his life, he is so jovial. He wanted me to sing a song some days back. This was a number i use to sing during my school days to pray God. Now I dont sing at all.
Let me give the lines to you also, " Dhalidia saaraa, dharanire aaji, tumari ashish dhaaraa, andhara rate, kantaka pathe, dia alokara ishara". This says, 'Bestow me all, on the earth, your blessings, in the dark nights, on thorn filled roads, show me the sign of light". Though he has very less energy left with him, but he was murmuring the song with me while I was singing the song with him.
This is life, Alisha, after such a long journey, filled with happiness and sorrow, pain and agony, success and failure, at 93 he is signing the song of life and praying for showing the eternal light for his last journey. Through him, I becoming dead and through him, I am living for centuries and going to a stage which is making me content and pure for forgiving all those who have sinned against me.
Alisha, I am happy, I am blessed and I have forgotten all the pain and I have forgiven all those sinners to me,
Alisha, I am singing the song of life, come and sing with me.