Visiting Chidamabaram

First of all I will not write about the third bitch though my friend has told me the incident about the third bitch so far. I have something good to write. Many good things happen in life but sometimes that goes out of our mundane attention and subsequently we forget about them. It is high time that I write about them and record what impact it has on me and people around me. It makes me feel happy also. It seems I am becoming sensitive to negative happenning more than the positivity of life. I will write about two experiences that recently I had while travelling inside and also out of Tamilnadu.
I have this good friend Sriraman who is very religious and yet an investment banker. I have seen very few ethical people like Sriraman. A hard core Vaishnavite yet a fluent negotiator on the go, very rare combination. Over the few months, after Kannan’s departure from the company, I have found solace with such a great friend. Happiness is a state of mind and one can obtain happiness through incompleteness also. I made a mistake in my earlier conversations when I asked his wife about children. They don’t have kids and yet I never saw Sriraman down at any point of time. He has always come out as a person with high energy and who wants to something good in life. In my trips with him, he took me to may nice and peaceful temples of Tamilndau. I write peaceful because I find solace looking at God and taking up a conversation with him directly. Sometimes, I ask his, “ So, you are testing me, you gonna see me fail on this, lose my mind and get lost as a failure in what I do?” But he has always replied me affirmative and with a smile. Of course God has to always smile, doesn’t he get tired smiling for such a long time? Who knows what makes him to smile towards everyone. I can not do it. If I don’t like people, I make big face and avoid them and if goes beyond a limit, spit it out on the face. I made many enemeies for these reasons. God doesn’t have enemeies and whatever he got in all his lives, they came because God was more successful that them; they were jealous of God and wanted to create problem for him.
Ok, Ok, I am not God, I am a human being who looks at the world in his own eyes/glasses.
I don’t know why I am moving here and there and not writing what I actually intened to. In our last trip, we made a U turn to the original plan and thought we can move across Chidambaram and see the siva-vishnu (Hara-Hari) temple and travel via Cudalore and Puducherry to Chennai. We had the liberty because we were travelling by road. It was a hot summer afternoon when we reached Chidambaram.
No, dat is not the place to which P. Chidambaram belongs to. Rather it is the place where Siva is in nataraja posture. The famous nataraja statue is from this temple. What happenned is not inside but on the gate of the temple that I wish to pen down here. As we parked the car and came out to open, it was almost 40 degree there, so we had to rush to the temple. It was a lazy afternoon and we thought we will have a darshan and quick bite and drive down to Chennai. There were not many tourists and luckily there were not any line. I like south India temples, but the problem is the long que that one has to stand. Sometimes it takes more than an hour to meet God, but it is better than many of our Orissan temples where you have to literally push people to move ahead and I never enjoyed it.
So on the norther gate of the temple, may be it was northern gate, I don’t remember, may be Sriraman will rectify me if I am making a mistake if he happens to read this note; we entered into the temple and I wanted to buy some flowers to offer to God. There was a sixty plus lady selling flowers and tulsi leaf garlands and I purchased offerrings worth 30 rupees and paid her fifty rupees. She had no change and here comes her reply.
“ I will pay you back once you come out of the temple”
There was a long pause from our side as we had some discomfort with the balance pending with her. Of course, there were not many devotees, not much crowd, the place was new to me, I was there for first time and it was a hot afternoon with all the temple rocks sending heat wave.
We are two sophisticated, rural borne, urban grown suave gentleman (are we/ I always thought I am an idiot), we came out of an air conditioned car; I am president of a company, he is an investment banker, we have our houses in metro cities, bank balance in banks; stocks in stock markets, real estate investments, fixed deposits, married to educated women, travelled to far places of the world including USA (what is so crazy about USA?)
And here is a lady in mid sixties or seventies; I don’t know her education background, she was a leporsy patient, speaks a language which I hardly understand and how can she dare to question us that we doubt her integrity and honesty in dealing with a customer and that to infront of a temple, where she must have spent many years of her latter life after being thrown out of home, after being castigated for sufferring from leprosy.
She was surviving in a megre income of few rupees in front of this great temple and who knows how many years she has to repent in front of God for this desease which probably she had got from her husband who travelled to some unknwon place like Chennai or Mumbai; visited prostitutes and got infected with leprosy and finally on return gifted to his wife. Actually I can not ask these questions to the lady’s husbad as from her dressing, I could guess she is a widow. She must have spent long hours near the lamps in some unknwon village in interior tamilnadu teaching her children about life and values; must have got up early in the dawn to cook for them, must have hold the babies close to heart when there were suffering from fever! But where are these children? Where are their attention to the old lady? Probably she should have been comfortable if she would not have got children at all.

And look at us, we had doubt on her ( or on ourselves), we suave, educated, American returned MBAs and PhDs and doubting an elderly woman’s integrity for twenty rupees only. She smiled at us and reaffirmed us that once we make our temple rounds complete, she would definitely pay us back. I looked at Sriraman’s face, he moved away, I was ashamed of myself after a long long time. A drink costs 200 bucks, I have thrown parties to some ungrateful people/women who were rich yet beggars in their mindset, to people who have survived by taking loans from me and shamelessly saying that they wont be able to repay me back!!!!

Here is a lady who is throwing me from citadel of my confidence! Here is a lady through her innocent questioning killing me thousand times for the doubtful emotion that came in my face! Here is a lady whom I am never going to meet in my life and yet teaching me lessons of life and honesty. I had tears in my eyes (not for her, but for being a stupid in life).
God never forives idiots and stupids. We wenet inside the temple and to our surpise Vishnu temple was closed and we could nt have HARA-HARI darshan as we had planned. On our return, she was smiling and gave me back my twenty rupees. I purchased more flowers from her and send the flowers back inside the temple through another passersby devotee and wished God to forgive me for the emotions that I carried about this lady. She taught me great lesson of life. Irrespective of what you achieve in life, what you are, there are so many things that are never taught, never learnt, are never in books and never will be also; but they teach you essense of humanity; they make you to feel how one should be in life and how humbleness can reflect what life has to offer despite all limitations.
May be she was a Goddess there in front of the temple to remind me some of the great lessons of life which nobody taught me.
I have one more experience to share with you in the next posting which I encountered in my recent flight from Kokata to Chennai which I have termed as ‘Silent Love”. But now now, may be few hours, days, months, years latter and may be if I am alive for the next day. Now I see a dream everynight that I am dead……….

Devil No-2 More Serious Devil

This is our next meeting with MS.

I hate my family, they dont understand me, I hate my sister most. She doesnt want me in her house because she thinks I will spoil her children, bloody I will make my life and will prove that there can be a life beyond them--- MS was reading an sms the second devil had sent some months back.

MS had to mentor this kid, so he said, dont worry time is the best healer and lets work together. There are so many boys and girls who are in the team, you should stay committed to the work and as you say someday things will change. MS spent miles of hours in calming down the child, pacifying her anger level; using all his psychological learnings to groom her and create a different mind set so that she can leave the life with happiness.

Today MS also thinks in the same way, despite the girl abusing him up-front by citing her closeness to authority. MS said- why did I do this. I did d some seven months to change the mindset of this kid so that she will be positive, but some people never learn, God gives them a chance to chose between good and bad and they end of chosing bad only. Bad company, bad emotions, bad ideas and a mindset to abuse everyone.

My advice to MS- you have ent sufficient time in doing good for the child. If you have done good to the kid-never harm the kid. Since you are saying she is a brat and loses temper in between frequently, then let her cool down and realize that affections from elders are always one way traffic. Even if child does bad no parent will take revenge on the child, if you are treating the kid as part of your soul and family, continue doing it forever. Let the devil realize that world is not full of bad people, its also good people who wish good for her.

If she choses bad, its her decision; if you have ever affectionate to the person, cared to do something good to the person, continue doing it. Its emotion and affection which is under your control and you have no control over what other person thinks about you. If you care for the person, continue doing it and let time to prove whether doing good to someone is correct or doing bad is correct.

What I couldnt answer is " But to this devil, I have not done anything wrong, so why the kid in anger behaves like this?

I have no answer, do you have

Why Devils are Created-2

OK His name is MS and this twenty two year something girl comes to his room with tears in her eyes. What happenned" asked MS. My reporting boss is a sixty year old man and he misbehaved me and talked bad things (XXX) to me, I wish to complain about him.
MS gets sentimental over this. Questions ethicality of a man at the age of 60 to misbehave a little girl. MS still calls the girl as little girl and thinks he is the father figure in her life (he is like that, if he likes people, irrespective of what the other person says about him, he will always keep his emotions as they are, they dont change even if the other person changes his stand). MS thinks the old devil has to be penalised and so he penalized the old man. Takes this girl to his team and gives her a pay hike also. This girl comes back someday and cries, " my father is sick and has got first heart attack, I am the only earning member of the family, please help". MS still thinks him as a daughter and helps her financially for the ailing father. The amount is huge, I can not pay you back" the girl said. No problem, there are many people who have taken money and not returned to me, whenever you make money you return to me- MS said.

MS was silent for sometime. I asked him, what happenned?
He said, " the same girl few months after comes back and complains that MS has misbehaved her?"
I was dubfounded, how this can happen?- I said
Things like this happen in life. This world is like this only. People whom you give affection, care for them, see that they are made comfortable, only come back to you in life to punish you.

My advice to MS- doesnt matter what the girl says, if you have helped her out, stood by difficult times and really helped her in carrer an finance, continue doing that. It is her bad luck that she misbehaved you and lost you through out her life. She needs to understand that lust does not take people very far; its the simple understanding and care that helps people to build up there life. Life is not decided by what people say about you, it is about what you do to others and if you are honest, then people will understand you someday.

carry on MS, carry on your good work till you die...
kuchh to log kahenge logon kaa kaam hai kehna
Now time to introduce devil no-2

Why Devils are Being Created?

This is an interesting posting and will be different than other posts of mine. This is because the story I am writing about is true and has implications of life. Why Devils are created? It is to make people realize that devils are there and one needs to find out the difference between devil and good.

Does devil come in any other form? Probably the answer is "Yes". The worst part of the devil is that it comes in disguise of someone filled with emotions and closeness. Devil is not a person, it is a perception that one beholds which is built on the basis of how people interprete the cues in the environment. Devil also comes to chosen ones; chosen ones who have to be tested and damned and then may be punished for doing good. This story is about a manager friend of mine whom I met recently to explore what the hell he has gone through. I met him in a coffee shop in Adyar and I know him for quite sometime. In my perception, he is a good soul. May be some of the readers may not like it this way.

Ok, the let us introduce the devils in his life one by one as he explained it to me and finally I will tell you what I told that person.

Scene-1: Devil One: Devil one is a twenty one year old girl who enters crying to 'good man's office. Let us call this good man as

I Met Her... Jai HO....

Yes, it was one of the pleasant surprises of life which happenned few weeks before in one of the sadest moments of life and I met her. I met her in an unusual manner at a place and situation which was uncalled for. I never thought that there would be a day in life when I would meet her and if so, in a situation as patthetic as it was.
These days, I am coming back to a state where I can think about life and everything about me. I had become plastic and lifeless and coming back to life with its own pain and sufferring, happiness and glory, challenges and goals, all of these coming one by one like students of a school coming out on aline in a mid summer afternoon.

I met her in a sad moment of life when she was in deep grief due to sudden demise of her father. I had gone back to their family after a gap of some fifteen years....... I didnt know that she would be there? Did I know, may be yes, how can she be not there when her father has passed away! Yah, I met all of them, the whole family minus uncle who was no more with us.

At the end of meeting everyone, she walked in and asked me "can you recognize me?" may be she was thinking that I have forgotten her over the years and can not recall her? How does she know that there has never been a day when I have forgotten her. The sense of guilt I am carrying for ever for neglecting her emotions when she was around me and then waiting for the whole life to say sorry (though I didnt say sorry to her). But it was a good thing in life and it gave some level of containment that I could meet her...... Otherwsie I always thought I will die without seeing her again in life.

But with so much pain and sufferring that I have passed in last few months, the best thing to happen in life is to meet her after long fifteen years, may be I need to be congratulated. i still remember the song..

dil bhi aaj adaa hai is jid pe
kis bachhe ki tarah
yaa to usse sub kuchh chahihye yah kuchh nahin


I will write more about the meeting and subseqent events.... in second, minutes, hours, days, months may be years to come...............??????!!!!!!!

Will she ever read my blog someday? Should I tell her to read my blog some day??

Life at Dubai These Days

For last few days I am in Dubai. I didnt write my blog for three months for some or other reasons. It seems I am becoming a lazy fellow and not doing what I need to do for myself. Dont know why such a feeling, may be every year at the early summer I have such a feeling like this. Dubai is a business trip for last couple of weeks and am here to close some business deals and start operations of my company. Lo, I have again started talking and writing about business on my personal platform.

About IIMI, I have no news! I would love to forget and forgive people. I will write someday about my speech that I gave at RCM, Bhubaneswar on learning lessons of life. After a long gap I went to the school and spoke to students there. They gave me best alumni award for the year. While people are trying to pull me down, here are guys who are pushing me up higher for some more things to achieve in life. My speech has gone on Internet and many of my old students have written back to me asking questions on my loneliness, suffering and rest other issues. I need to work on that and write in detail on this blog sometime. I have so much to write and have done nothing to pen them down, who knows when I am not there, all these impressions will go with me, its better I write them down and not carry them to the graveyard.

Yah, regarding IIMI, I received a letter some months back, that I am still showing myself as Director of IIMI in my personal website. I think somebody is mentally gone wrong somewhere. I have not updated the site for quite some time and that sometime is five years. Even the site shows me as a faculty of IIMK and I wonder where I am showing myself as Director of IIMI. But these are useless things in life. I thought people will forget me over six months like I have done and will allow my life to run as it comes, but some sadists have some other plans. Let them go on their direction and me comeback to my own direction in which only good work matters. someday we need to drop this hatred and go ahead and do good things in life.
But I dont know why people dont realize this truth of life and continue turturing people forever

Othewise How Life Could Have Been

Jayati wrote a mail to me as a response to my previous posting. She along with many of my close friends contnue reading my boring write ups in the blog and elsewhere. She writes, " who knows life could have been different if she would have been around?". You may or may not agree with her but I strongly agree with her. Life could have been different-with her- in both ways good and bad ways. When I look back, I realize I didnt know much of 'My Fair and Lovely Lady'. She must be cursing me over te years and will do that if she reads my blog or book sometime that I didnt understand properly and yet she gave me so much-everything that one could in that little span of time when we were together. Now, I am not worried about what she will think about me as in between both of us we have built a passage of time spreading its wing for more than fifteen years. Fifteen years is a long period of time in life to forget people for common man- not for me as you know. I have not forgotten her for a single day and you are saying fifteen years to forget!

My life could have been different if she would have been around! Let me imagine about how life could have been different. I am imagining all this being in half sleep in this hotel room in Singapore. I am going to be here for some more days, so I have enough space and time to think about her and planning to script how life coud have been different. Let me take some clue from the days when we were around. Ok, she would have been madly in love with me, I would be still struggling to disprove her mother that I am not a beggar's son and I have my own ambitions, her elder sister would have been fighting with her mother for genuinity of my relationship, the rebelling sister planning for an escape with her boy friend, the little sister doing her studies seriously and only brother appearing tests and examinations for a good job and life. Leave all of them now and let us concentrate on both of us!

Her silence to my arrogance !
Her physical pain post her surgery!
Her struggle with mother to convince her about me!
Her sister advocating in my favor !
Her father ignoring my presence!
Me gaining weight, she losing wait due to surgery!
My struggle with my loneliness and her struggle in giving a real world around me!
My dabbling with potery and her silence in those hot summer afternoons!
Both of us in house number G-128 and between us long list of confusion !
Her accusations for my inattentiveness to the color of her dress!
Her silent complains to my motivated story telling about other girls who were friendly with me!
Long hours of silence, in the lonely flat, in the hot afternoons, not talking to each other!
Loads of emptiness in between and yet being together!
Her devotion to offer anything to me for my love and care and my arrogance of defeating her intentions!
Her lies to parents about long absense when both of us were together and they were waiting in the hostel !
Those dark nights on roof top and sky full of stars!
Her intense interest to speak to me and inability in doing so!
My sadistic pleasure in ignoring the truth, yet being around,
Her tears rolling down in darkness, my pronounciation of sucecss in hurting her!
Both of us being together and miles apart in thoughts!
I was a bad man, I am a bad man and will ever remain same,

Forgive me today!